i have a problem

some time ago i was texting my best friend and telling her bout the making out adventures between the youngest one and myself.

best friend: goodness girl how can you not have emotional attachment?
jo: he asked me the same thing too. how not to have emotional attachment. haha! well it's not easy. i am emotionally attached a lil.

much as i always like to talk bout emotional detatchment and how you (really meaning myself) can't really afford to get too emotionally attached, i admit that i'm probably one of the first ones not to heed my own advice and wind up getting emotionally attached.

and i think i've realised what the exact cause is.

in the last few months i've been talking to guys a fair bit. and i don't mean just meeting a new guy in the club and idly chatting. i mean really talking. a 45 min conversation with key account executive. few weekends of communicating with the youngest one, including middle-of-the-night conversations. long IMs with shy colleague.

the thing is, the more i talk to someone, the more i find out the lil quirks, the more i wind up getting emotionally attached. and the more i want to talk to the person. but the problem is that just 'coz i had 1 or 2 (or even 3 or 4) good conversations and a seeming connection, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. i think for some reason, i place too much value on good conversations... and of 'coz a needed level of attraction. sadly i can't say that my previous conversational connections have turned out all that well. for the most part it just fizzles away... taking the great conversation with it... but since i already got emotionally attached, that just leaves me a lil disappointed.

i don't want to be disappointed time and time again. that takes up too much energy and a certain essence of me. that's probably why i just keep telling myself not to get too emotionally attached...

but the truth is...

oops... too late.

and too late it certainly is. 'coz much as i wanted to deny it, somewhere somehow i wound up getting emotionally attached to the youngest one.

despite all the reschedulings / cancellations of our appointments (which never came through), i still couldn't help but want to see him. so after much thinking, on friday night i decided to just give it a try.

jo: so do you think you'll keep to our plans if i ask if you're free for dinner this weekend?

i never heard from him. he has always replied to me... maybe late but always replied.

so i dealt with it the only way i knew how...

jo: i'm still waiting... if he doesn't reply at all, i'm done...
best friend: sigh was gonna ask...
jo: i'm so tired of letting my heart feel and then getting hurt. i really need to stop this emotional attachment crap...
best friend: maybe he's away. either way you'll know where you stand then you can regroup.
best friend: don't let your heart in yet. put your guard up and protect yourself. you're worth more than being strung along. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
jo: gosh i hate emotional attachment...
best friend: you still have me. love you babes. just divert your attention.

after a long day on saturday, i decided to head out with pool boy and 2 other of his guy friends and just be social. we just sat around and chilled out which was nice.

divert my attention. wasn't that what my best friend said?

but i still couldn't resist texting the youngest one...

jo: so did you not receive my text or does silence mean consent?

i held my breath... and got my reply...

the youngest one: jo is it? i lost my phone... just got my phone back... tomorrow i don't think so... just sold my bike so don't feel like leaving my house

we exchanged some texts back and forth and sorta said that perhaps we'd party next weekend. but i just didn't feel the connection we used to have. the friendship even.

and that bothers me.

but at this same time maybe i'm starting to like him less... perhaps 'coz i haven't been talking to him much recently?

so why is it that i can't seem to quite get him outta my mind... nor that feeling of wanting to contact him?