Sunday, March 18, 2007

i have a problem

some time ago i was texting my best friend and telling her bout the making out adventures between the youngest one and myself.

best friend: goodness girl how can you not have emotional attachment?
jo: he asked me the same thing too. how not to have emotional attachment. haha! well it's not easy. i am emotionally attached a lil.

much as i always like to talk bout emotional detatchment and how you (really meaning myself) can't really afford to get too emotionally attached, i admit that i'm probably one of the first ones not to heed my own advice and wind up getting emotionally attached.

and i think i've realised what the exact cause is.

in the last few months i've been talking to guys a fair bit. and i don't mean just meeting a new guy in the club and idly chatting. i mean really talking. a 45 min conversation with key account executive. few weekends of communicating with the youngest one, including middle-of-the-night conversations. long IMs with shy colleague.

the thing is, the more i talk to someone, the more i find out the lil quirks, the more i wind up getting emotionally attached. and the more i want to talk to the person. but the problem is that just 'coz i had 1 or 2 (or even 3 or 4) good conversations and a seeming connection, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. i think for some reason, i place too much value on good conversations... and of 'coz a needed level of attraction. sadly i can't say that my previous conversational connections have turned out all that well. for the most part it just fizzles away... taking the great conversation with it... but since i already got emotionally attached, that just leaves me a lil disappointed.

i don't want to be disappointed time and time again. that takes up too much energy and a certain essence of me. that's probably why i just keep telling myself not to get too emotionally attached...

but the truth is...

oops... too late.

and too late it certainly is. 'coz much as i wanted to deny it, somewhere somehow i wound up getting emotionally attached to the youngest one.

despite all the reschedulings / cancellations of our appointments (which never came through), i still couldn't help but want to see him. so after much thinking, on friday night i decided to just give it a try.

jo: so do you think you'll keep to our plans if i ask if you're free for dinner this weekend?

i never heard from him. he has always replied to me... maybe late but always replied.

so i dealt with it the only way i knew how...

jo: i'm still waiting... if he doesn't reply at all, i'm done...
best friend: sigh was gonna ask...
jo: i'm so tired of letting my heart feel and then getting hurt. i really need to stop this emotional attachment crap...
best friend: maybe he's away. either way you'll know where you stand then you can regroup.
best friend: don't let your heart in yet. put your guard up and protect yourself. you're worth more than being strung along. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

jo: gosh i hate emotional attachment...
best friend: you still have me. love you babes. just divert your attention.

after a long day on saturday, i decided to head out with pool boy and 2 other of his guy friends and just be social. we just sat around and chilled out which was nice.

divert my attention. wasn't that what my best friend said?

but i still couldn't resist texting the youngest one...

jo: so did you not receive my text or does silence mean consent?

i held my breath... and got my reply...

the youngest one: jo is it? i lost my phone... just got my phone back... tomorrow i don't think so... just sold my bike so don't feel like leaving my house

we exchanged some texts back and forth and sorta said that perhaps we'd party next weekend. but i just didn't feel the connection we used to have. the friendship even.

and that bothers me.

but at this same time maybe i'm starting to like him less... perhaps 'coz i haven't been talking to him much recently?

so why is it that i can't seem to quite get him outta my mind... nor that feeling of wanting to contact him?

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At 1:35 AM, Blogger Tasha said...

Maybe you can't stop thinking of him because he is so hard to read and he isn't jumping to text you back. It's sort of a challenge for you and so it makes it a little more interesting. Do you think if he was constantly calling and constantly making dates, you would still feel the same way?

At 3:12 AM, Blogger Crashdummie said...

to do or not to do (the youngest one), that is the question...

Sowwie, my mind drifted. ehum. Awww man, this totally suck. You put up your guard and build high walls, which sooner or later will be crumbled - but who will be there to collect the shattered pieces.

Do all relationships have to be so darn complicated?

But then again, we always tend to go for the forbidden fruit and are tempted for having what we cannot. If the youngest one would like you back, do you really think you'd still want him?


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