please remember me when you're not sober

i'm a fan of the tipsy text and the drunk dial. both giving and receiving.

i remember the times when the youngest one and i used to tipsy text and/or drunk dial each other. we would be chatting all the way till 6am in the morning. those were fun times.

so as i sat at home utterly sober at 12.34am on a saturday night/early sunday morning, i received a text...

the mind-reader: you out?
jo: home sweet home... you have the worst timing... where you at?
the mind-reader: at *insert name of general location*.haha.
jo: haha! how drunk are you? :p
the mind-reader: yes please.u aren't right?
jo: unfortunately i'm too damn sober. you should have found me last weekend hahaha! that was crazy...

so it's nothing much. but i'm always easily amused especially with tipsy texts. and i must admit that it's always nice to be remembered. if only that were more the case when he's sober...

on sunday afternoon i received a text...

the mind-reader: sorry was drunk last night.what happened last week?
jo: haha! no worries at all... i love tipsy texts and drunk dials haha! last weekend i was the tipsy one haha!

anyhow it's kinda fun when he's tipsy and i'm sober... but it would be better if we were both tipsy. and i definitely think we both need to get tipsy and meet up...

blanks in the memory bank

since my family friend introduced me to my family friend's setup, he's never really asked me what i thought bout him. okay well maybe that's not entirely true... he might have asked what i thought of my family friend's setup soon after my family friend introduced us. but it was too soon to really tell.

somehow yesterday during an IM conversation with my family friend, my family friend's setup was mentioned. that's when he asked...

family friend: what do you think of him anyways?
family friend: what's your impression after all this time?
jo: i think he's really easy to get along with and talk to
jo: nice guy
jo: he's a bit laidback though... and i can't even say if that's good or bad haha!
family friend: much better to be laidback than high strung
jo: well i like 'em laidback haha!
family friend: so you're comfortable with him on the whole?
jo: yeah i'm comfy with him
family friend: ok cool

now i have no idea why he suddenly asked. i mean it's probably nothing too big a deal right? but for some strange reason, i felt into a bit of self disclosure...

jo: honestly didn't expect to be that comfy with him as soon as i was. but he's just easy to get along with i suppose
family friend: yeah
family friend: he wormed his way right into my heart too
family friend: from about the first time i met him
jo: hahaha!
family friend: and you know how i am

so maybe it wasn't only me feeling 'chemistry'. maybe it's just part of my family friend's setup's natural charm. he can even 'charm' the boys. and granted my family friend isn't exactly the most tolerant person around.

jo: yeah well you know how i am
jo: i don't let people in that easily either
family friend: yeah
jo: i mean i'm pretty friendly in general and probably can talk to most people
jo: but for the most part i don't let anyone too close to my heart
jo: but when you get there, you're pretty hard to get out of my heart

and indeed that's true. this brought me back to the time where i first suddenly realised that i was starting to let my family friend's setup inside my heart. and how despite everything, it has been hard getting him out of my heart 'coz he already got in.

we may not have that raw physical chemistry that dj guy and i had. but there is still a certain amount of chemistry and attractiveness that i can live with. except that it still doesn't seem to be working out and he's only got until the end of the year before my new resolution means that he's gotta be yanked outta my heart...

****

and i'm certainly living up to what i said bout dredging up all the past boys...

last night i had a mid-week drinking session with 2 of my close ex-colleagues. it was a long time coming. we've been talking bout it for forever. even got down to planning a few times. but somehow or another, kept on cancelling. this time we actually managed to go.

we headed to our 'fave' place for mid-week drinking which incidentally is the place where i met the youngest one.

drinks with the girls was good. but then one by one their husbands came to pick 'em up. i then decided to check if the youngest one was gonna be in the club. he was. and so i hung out with him and his friends.

that's when it all gets fuzzy. i have some snippets of memory here and there but for the most part, seriously... i don't remember.

okay yes, i drank quite a bit. but it wasn't that much as to have bouts of memory blanks. i've drank as much before or even more and i still can remember. but this time i'm just blank.

since i woke up i've been trying to remember if anything happened between the youngest one and me. i'm quite sure we didn't kiss. i would like to think that i would remember if we did. but that said i believe we were a lil huggy. yes, when i drink i get a lil aggressive too.

so i texted the youngest one asking him to refresh my memory... hopefully i get some answers. but really all i wanna know is did we kiss??

[edit]

okay so i finally got my answer...

at first all the youngest one would say was that nothing much happened. but i decided that i had to know if we kissed so i just straight up asked him.

and yes. apparently i kissed him. and apparently it was more than just a peck. a bit more than a peck was how he put it. i wonder what that means.

but i can't believe that i don't remember. 'coz normally i definitely remember if i kissed someone. and it's a pity that i don't remember 'coz from what i remembered previously, the youngest one is a damn hot kisser. the only other person i've ever felt hotter kissing chemistry with is dj guy.

now i wonder how many times did i kiss him. and if i just bout totally jumped him in my tipsy state. oh man...

as i told him, if i don't remember, it doesn't count. i need a do-over!

slighty paralyzed

friday night was the usual night with my party girl and the yummy mommy. but it was a lil different and basically reminded me of how things were before i became just bout a permanent fixture in cozy hole-in-the-wall bar.

we went to a different bar to celebrate the yummy mommy's friend's birthday. the bar was packed and we had to pretty much stand the entire time. but the martinis were cheap and the music was good so pretty soon the yummy mommy and i were fuelled up and dancing away.

that said, i think i just bout forgot how to be social. i was almost slightly bored 'coz i wasn't exactly in my comfort zone and felt a lil stressed at feeling like i had to try and be more social. i ran into not-so-shy texan who i haven't seen in a year. i was making my way to the bathroom when i saw him outta the corner of my eye. i pretended not to see him and secretly wished he wouldn't recognise me since i have changed my hairstyle. but as i walked past, he grabbed me and we chatted for a bit.

at some point in the night, i was dancing with this guy who was part of the birthday party gang. but then he kept trying to hold my hand even though we stopped dancing. he must really like to hold hands. but i was just not feeling it at all. maybe 'coz he seemed to be hitting on the yummy mommy initially. and soon the player type that he seemed to be, moved on to my party girl. in fact they actually disappeared for a while. when they finally returned, my party girl shared that he tried to kiss her but she wasn't into him.

later us 3 girls headed to another part of town to party. we went to a club that i haven't been in ages. we used to go there practically every week. by then i probably already had a lil too much martinis and some other drinks which means that i'm in my full dance mode.

it was all pretty fun... except that i forgot that in times like these, i really need to keep my phone away from me.

recipients of my tipsy text asking where they were at were the youngest one and dj guy.

the youngest one replied immediately that he was home and asked where i was. i told him and asked him if he was heading out on wednesday. he replied asking if i was drinking and why i was asking bout wednesday so many days in advance. there was a reason. but i decided not to bother to explain. but basically i made plans with some ex-colleagues to head to a club that the youngest one goes to (the one where i met him) on wednesday. i guess i was in part wondering if ladies night was still on and if he might be there.

dj guy replied after a while saying that he was closing cozy-hole-in-the-wall bar. i replied telling him where i was and asking him to look for me. he never replied. as a bonus dj guy was also the recipient of my drunk dial. he never picked up. and he never brought up the subject either. excellent. this once again proves my excellent taste in men.

my latest song obsession is finger eleven's paralyzer. i think that somehow reminds me of dj guy.

"well i'm not paralyzed
but i seem to be struck by you
i want to make you move
because you're standing still"

then again i could also say that bout quite a few guys haha! story of my life so far...

last night vs this morning

last night:

had a rather extended late night IM conversation with the youngest one bout his newest tattoo just before i hit the sack.

this morning:

woke up to a dream that placed him in my bed doing exercises. yes, i really mean exercises... arm exercises to be exact... get your head outta the gutter haha!

point to prove:

apparently i'm still attracted to him. and apparently it seems that i'm attracted to bad boy types in general. which just means bad news for me...

the overwhelming world of online dating

the online dating has still been a lil overwhelming. it feels like all i've been doing is chatting to new random guys. not that it's been all bad... but even while it's been kinda fun, it's also been rather tiring.

so the guy who told me that he likes me and wants to chase me just sent me an email...

"i really hope this works out. i've never had more faith in anyone. i've never had more hopes in anything...

the day i met you, my life changed.
the way you make me feel is too hard to explain.
you make me smile in a special kind of way. you make me fall deeper for you, everyday.
& when i look into your eyes, i know its true - theres no one else in the world for me but you."

the best part of all... i've never even met him!

****

in other news... i'm being reeled back in by the youngest one again...

friday night he tipsy texted and then called me at bout 2am. we had a nice chat. and then on saturday night we had a good IM chat. it was exactly like old times. though perhaps a lil flirtier especially when he 'propsed' to me to be a kept man and saying that he would cook, clean and pleasure. i joked that i should take him for a test run... on the cooking of 'coz... haha!

drinks on monday

i've been bad.

and i mean really bad...

last night i was too fuelled up to care. but the moment i woke up this morning... as the thoughts came rushing back... the first thing i said was "uh oh".

i met up with a family friend and some of his guy friends who i've hung out with before for drinks. and once again the bottle of johnnie walker was a killer.

this time my family friend's wife didn't join us. and i can always get along with guys comfortably. so it was a crazy time.

too crazy.

before i started tossing back the whisky like it was water, i realised that i had a missed call from the youngest one. that was nice since i had a nice time IMing him earlier in the day. but get this... this missed call was from saturday 12 may 3.38am! and yes, it took me over a week to realise it!

so i texted him asking him bout it. as expected he didn't remember. but in my warped way it was nice to know that he thought of me then to drunk call haha! and since by the time we started texting back and forth, i already had tossed back too much whisky and was tipsy texting. it was just like old times. we talked bout meeting up and i told him that i've missed him. yes, i can't believe i was that honest. usually i try to be a bit more restraint even while tipsy texting. but lately i've just been entirely too honest... especially with the youngest one.

i was pretty fuelled up. and this morning i spent some time trying to remember. there are some lapses in my memory where i have no recollection of whatsoever.

one of the guys called me this morning. he's the one that my family friend wanted to fix me up with. it was the second time i saw him and we really do seem to get along great. apparently he had agreed to send me to work 'coz we work nearby but i forgot entirely! then again he was driving last night and only had 2 drinks so he had his mind on him.

i however didn't have my mind on me.

at all.

epiphany

this weekend has been one of epiphanies.

i think that maybe i'm starting to see the youngest one more and more clearly. for one, he's not very encouraging or reassuring. and i think he has a limited range of interest which by comparison makes me seem like i have loads more interests. and he doesn't understand that. maybe he's too young. or maybe he just can't comprehend anything beyond himself.

but what's most annoying of all is that he can't seem to make any future plans and actually keep to 'em. i can't trust his word.

it's sad to realise that perhaps i've reached a point where i don't trust the word of many guys.

yesterday i was home at night when i decided to text the aussie podiatrist 'coz he had mentioned last week bout perhaps meeting up this week. turns out he was at a work event and said that he would be heading out later and would give me a call. well he didn't. though i didn't really mind spending a quiet night at home 'coz of the previous night.

friday was a pretty busy day. my party girl and i went for a film festival event. and then we headed over to the cozy hole-in-the-wall bar that we usually frequent. it was a pretty nice chill out time which seems to be what i've been preferring lately. though i had a fair bit to drink. before i left, i said goodbye to the bartender aka dj guy. as we leaned in for our usual cheek kiss, he asked why i only texted him once last week. and then he asked if i was free on sunday to meet up. i said i was and asked him to contact me later. to be nice, later when i reached home i texted him joking bout how now he can't say i only texted him once. he never replied. all well and good but come today, i didn't hear from him at all either. and i wasn't bout to contact him to ask.

i guess i just wished that i meant enough to any of these guys for 'em to at least remember what they said to me, what they promised. i would have. even as friends.

the worst thing is a part of me was perhaps expecting it. i think along the way i've just learnt not to trust. or maybe i was just trying to lower my expectations so i wouldn't get disappointed. sometimes i worry that if i don't trust guys maybe i won't ever meet that amazing guy for me. but at the same time i can't help but approach with caution. especially since i seem to get proven time and time again why i shouldn't trust a guy.

i'm just really tired of this all...

my party girl's birthday

birthdays are always big party events especially when it's the birthday of one of the party people.

saturday was the birthday celebrations of my party girl. to be honest i was entirely tired out from friday night's party adventures but it's my party girl, she's my good friend, and i can't say no.

and so i made my way to the cozy lil hold-in-the-wall bar that we usually frequent.

as i was on my way, the aussie podiatrist texted me asking if i was out as he was out having a few drinks. he was near where i was gonna be and so i invited him along. afterall it was that very bar where we first met. he came along with another friend of his. it was nice seeing him again. he didn't stay long though 'coz they had already made plans to meet up with a bunch of other guys in another club. but i appreciated that he came by.

it was a pretty crazy night. there were vodkas and all kinds of shots. there was no dancing but my party girl, the yummy mommy and i did manage to have some rather tipsy emotional conversations. the rest of the time i spent talking to a couple of guys, getting a massage from a guy i'm acquainted with and flirting with the bartender aka dj guy. it's wrong of me 'coz he has a girlfriend though in some rare moment of honesty he admits that he doesn't meet her much and i infer that things don't seem to be going too well. but i can't help but feel this chemistry whenever i see him. i love hugging him and the way he holds my waist. and i don't think it's purely one-sided either. usually we flirt a lil mildly but this time i was tipsy enough to boldly tell him that i wished we had a chance to go out. i'm not sure what was his response. anyhow i don't think anything will happen.

that said the night went pretty well. though i wished that the aussie podiatrist stayed. we exchanged one or two texts through the course of the night. but it was his last one at 5.15am that got me thinking...

the aussie podiatrist: hey sorry didn't hear my phone. just got home. come round if ur not going to sleep or won't get in trouble (haha)? just joking. but feel free to come round. :)
jo: you should have told me earlier... before i got home haha!

but of 'coz he was kinda drunk...

****

a few days ago i asked the youngest one out for dinner on saturday. no fancy or cheeky wording. just straight up casual. bare bones. he didn't decline immediately but since his bike was in the shop, he said he'd get back to me again. well of 'coz come saturday i had to be the one to ask since i didn't hear from him one way or another. turns out his bike is still in the shop and in true the youngest one fashion, he's too lazy to go anywhere without his bike.

i know all of this but oh i still keep trying...

bout throwing in the towel

the weekend felt a lil more like my usual weekends... the ones i actually used to have before i lost my mojo. not that i found it back again but at least i wasn't home on a weekend night getting bored and being boring.

my party girl and i got to hang out all weekend. and it was nice. but i still obviously haven't learnt to keep my phone away from me. i texted the aussie podiatrist and key account executive. yes, apparently key account executive was back in the picture for the later half of last week when we were emailing back and forth a fair bit. but apparently he's out of the picture again since he didn't reply. at least the aussie podiatrist replied... the next day. he asked me what i was up to for the night and when i told him my plans and asked him bout his, he never replied. anyhow i've decided to put symbols in front of their numbers (like i did with the youngest one) to prevent further tipsy texting in the future.

and then i'm really gonna be done.

then again that's what i said bout the youngest one and look where that got me... IMing him on sunday evening that's what. and it was just like old times. it felt great. i really do miss that guy.

and as fate would have it, this morning at the bus stop and then again during lunch i sniffed out his armani code perfume. i literally went "uh oh".

but i guess i'm glad that even though the last time i saw any action was with the youngest one, i'm not that desperate enough to agree to a random guy in the pub's request for a kiss. he seemed okay in the beginning. an aussie golfer. we chatted easily. but then he started to exude kinda sleazy vibes at some points. his face was getting too close to mine... then he planted a surprise kiss on my cheek and asked if he could kiss me. the answer was no. even though i could do with some action, that's so not the guy i want anything to do with. i think at this point the person i really wanna have some action with is just the youngest one.

yep, so what did i say again bout being done?

friday fun

on friday i went out partying with my colleagues. it was somewhat different from what i'm used to with my party girls. but a nice difference. it was good to hang out with a bunch of people and getting up to crazy antics just all within the group instead of all that random pickups. i would love to do this more often but maybe i won't get the chance to in future?

so in one drinking game we played, i lost and as a pre-arranged forteit for the loser, i had to kiss shy colleague... on the cheek of 'coz, 'coz we're playing it safe. he got pretty nervous and really even though it's not a big deal to me, i didn't wanna appear all forward. i suppose with colleagues there's still a certain 'reputation' i have to maintain. in the end i was kinda like heck it and just grabbed him and gave him a loud smack on the cheek. there. over and done with.

i think that night a few of the crazier people really brought out and taught shy colleague a lotta things. he's just not used to this kind of lifestyle. 'coz we're friends i just had to make sure that he was okay... especially since i think he had more than his usual share of drinks...

jo: hey you're okay right?
shy colleague: haha i'm fine thank you! very much safe!
jo: haha! okay... hope you had fun... and didn't get too traumatised...
shy colleague: yup haha but i'm always bullied hehe! but fun.. and i got a kiss from the hot babe oh my..

on a separate note... i obviously didn't learn from my mistake and keep my phone away from me.

the day before i chatted with the youngest one over IM and he said that he would be home on friday night 'coz lately he's just been feeling lazy. for some reason i decided to make sure...

jo: so are you really home? haha!
the youngest one: yup at home
jo: haha! i can't believe it. it's like i don't know you anymore haha!

and that was it.

sometimes i can't believe myself.

now what i've done is to put symbols in front of his phone number so that even though his number is still there in my phone, i won't be able to contact him without having to delete those symbols first. and i'm hoping that in a tipsy state, that will be harder to do and eventually i won't even bother.

well i suppose at least i excersied restraint when it came to the aussie podiatrist. 'coz seriously i was this close to texting him. but hey i figured i had already called him the other night. and he didn't get back to me on whether he was going to be out of town this weekend or not.

i really hate all of this. i don't wanna be emotionally attached. no more trying for me.

keep my phone away from me

last night i met up with a family friend and his friend for drinks. by the time i reached the bar at 7pm, the 2 guys had already settled in comfortably with their bottle of johnnie walker. so i spent some time playing catch up while grabbing some food from the bar. it was a pretty good time.

then my family friend's wife joined us after work. she doesn't drink which i think somehow dampened the mood a lil.

by 10pm we all started making our way home.

what the?

i was only just getting started. i was all nicely fuelled up for 3 hours and it was only now that i was feeling playful and wanting to get my groove on.

it's times like these when my phone should be kept far away from me.

example 1:

somehow i decided to pick up from where i left of tipsy texting with the youngest one last weekend...

jo: so are you being boring and staying home? :p

he never replied...

it irked me more especially since he was online this morning. but i bided my time.

the youngest one: hey sorry you msg me last nite i was asleep already
the youngest one: you went out?

we then proceeded to have a bit of an IM conversation. i'm pathetic 'coz it made me happy to hear from him.

example 2:

i had already texted the aussie podiatrist a lil earlier while i was still in the bar. it was kinda just a hey to break the "3-day rule".

jo: heya! howz it going? :p

he took a while to reply...

the aussie podiatrist: g'day ms jo. what's cooking? sorry bout late reply just got out of a meeting. how has your week been? i've been swamped, had 50 patients today. how is study going? :)
jo: you actually counted? dude you're too free haha! i'm good. had a tough few days. having some drinks with friends

i hadn't heard back from him by the time my friends figured it was time to go... so i did the next best thing which was to call him...

the aussie podiatrist: hey dudet, sorry i missed your call. was in the shower. tried to call back but can't get through. what's cooking?
jo: so hey why are you home again?

it was then that he called me and we chatted briefly. but i was still the taxi with my friends so i called him back when i got off and we chatted more.

later when i was more sobered up and got home i texted him...

jo: thanks for keeping me company... happy reading?

he didn't reply. yes, he had readings to do and had to be up at 5am but it would have been nice to get a reply...

oh well... looks like i really need to consider forgetting to bring my phone when i'm out drinking...

the single girl's solo night out

it's strange how sometimes even though you're technically doing social stuff it can still feel like you're not having a social life.

saturday was one of 'em days.

i was so entirely bored on saturday night that i just had to get out. nevermind that the day started off early for me nor that i had a recently sprained ankle or that i couldn't actually find a friend to hang out with. i just needed out.

so i decided to make my way to the bar that i usually frequent. it's a cozy lil hole-in-the-wall place where i knew the owner and the bartender (dj guy who i just found out is attached) and knew that i would feel comfy there even in my lonesome.

turns out that essentially it was just the 3 of us. and we all wound up lying on the pool table sleeping and/or watching sports on the tv.

i was bored. but it was definitely better than being bored at home.

however i figured it was a good idea to text the youngest one and then subsequently to call him. he was pretty friendly though not particular engaging. then again he was watching his cartoons and heading to bed soon.

i was getting increasingly bored despite that by this time a few girls and guys had entered the bar. just when i was bout to leave, this aussie guy chatted with me. somehow we just got along really well, chatting bout so many different things and i just felt so comfy with him. so i changed my mind and decided to stay.

he's a podiatrist which was a really choice time given my sprained ankle. and he's also really sporty and has done triathlons. so he gave me tips on how to promote a faster healing to my ankle as well as how to overcome some of my foot structure problems.

he's also 24 years old. yes, how do i still manage to pick 'em younger guys? haha!

apparently we got along so well such that his guy friends had to pull him aside for a while and tell him that one of the girls they were with was pretty upset with us. turns out his guy friends' girlfriends was fixing him up with their friend. they were all at their house party earlier so i'm guessing they should have had plenty of time to chat then. however he isn't even interested in her and told me that she isn't his type. i wonder what's his type. physically he isn't really my type. he's definitely cute though barely taller than me and waay too muscular. but he's just really nice and easy to talk to.

anyhow i went home in a really happy mood... and slightly tipsy. which is when i made the decision to give it a last try with the youngest one...

jo: you know what? i think i like you... or maybe i'm just a bit drunk haha!

i don't even know why i told him. out of all my tipsy texting in life (and i really try not to and haven't done any in a while), i've never actually told anyone that i liked him before. but at the same time it felt so freeing. like at that instance when i told him, i let go.

he didn't reply.

which in some way i suppose i got my reply. but i still felt free. maybe i found the cure to liking someone. telling him. or maybe it was from meeting someone new.

by sunday, i still didn't hear from him and when the alcohol wore off, i felt a need to explain...

jo: oh man...just ignore everything i said last night... i was a lil drunk haha!
the youngest one: haha.. i guessed as much you were kinda gone.. haha.. no worries

then we proceeded to have a bit of a chat over text messaging. it felt nice and normal again.

and anyhow all wasn't lost... the aussie podiatrist asked me out for a movie and dinner on sunday. and it was really great fun. we seemed to have expressed interest in hanging out again. but i can't tell if it's just platonic?


lessons learnt:

1. it's freeing to tell someone you like that you like 'em. hmm maybe i should do it more often?
2. the best way to cure yourself from liking someone is to tell him
3. if that doesn't work, find someone new
4. maybe i should head out alone more often haha!

and i'm not even usually like that...

since the short texting on saturday night, i've had a couple of short IM conversations with the youngest one. admittedly all initiated by me, (am i turning psycho? is he gonna block me in his IM soon?) though they all went relatively well. but it's still not like he's the one IMing me first like he used to. maybe he's "backing off"?

i still can't quite get him outta my mind... i wanna talk to him, see him, make out with him.

okay so maybe therein probabaly lies the real problem...

i wanna make out with him.

it's so rare for me to feel such a strong pull of physical attraction coupled with a pretty good ability to converse with each other. and dang i really blame the physical attraction. he's definitely pretty attractive with lovely dark eyes though not the hottest beefcake around. but there's just something bout him. maybe in part it's his cocky attitude. but i know it's mostly 'coz of the way i feel when he kisses me. sparkage. chemistry. heat. it makes me wanna jump him and i'm not even usually like that.

he isn't suitable for me. that much i'm almost sure bout. he's not mr. right. but i sure want him to be mr. right now. i think that if he was constantly calling, trying to make dates and liking me back, i'd be happy. at this point the physical attraction is strong enough for me to want to continue.

but it's not like he's really doing any calling, date making or liking me back. at least no longer...

somehow i miss him... and i almost wanna tell him how i feel... and i'm not even usually like that.

that said, maybe i should just post an 'ad' for someone to make out with...

i have a problem

some time ago i was texting my best friend and telling her bout the making out adventures between the youngest one and myself.

best friend: goodness girl how can you not have emotional attachment?
jo: he asked me the same thing too. how not to have emotional attachment. haha! well it's not easy. i am emotionally attached a lil.

much as i always like to talk bout emotional detatchment and how you (really meaning myself) can't really afford to get too emotionally attached, i admit that i'm probably one of the first ones not to heed my own advice and wind up getting emotionally attached.

and i think i've realised what the exact cause is.

in the last few months i've been talking to guys a fair bit. and i don't mean just meeting a new guy in the club and idly chatting. i mean really talking. a 45 min conversation with key account executive. few weekends of communicating with the youngest one, including middle-of-the-night conversations. long IMs with shy colleague.

the thing is, the more i talk to someone, the more i find out the lil quirks, the more i wind up getting emotionally attached. and the more i want to talk to the person. but the problem is that just 'coz i had 1 or 2 (or even 3 or 4) good conversations and a seeming connection, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. i think for some reason, i place too much value on good conversations... and of 'coz a needed level of attraction. sadly i can't say that my previous conversational connections have turned out all that well. for the most part it just fizzles away... taking the great conversation with it... but since i already got emotionally attached, that just leaves me a lil disappointed.

i don't want to be disappointed time and time again. that takes up too much energy and a certain essence of me. that's probably why i just keep telling myself not to get too emotionally attached...

but the truth is...

oops... too late.

and too late it certainly is. 'coz much as i wanted to deny it, somewhere somehow i wound up getting emotionally attached to the youngest one.

despite all the reschedulings / cancellations of our appointments (which never came through), i still couldn't help but want to see him. so after much thinking, on friday night i decided to just give it a try.

jo: so do you think you'll keep to our plans if i ask if you're free for dinner this weekend?

i never heard from him. he has always replied to me... maybe late but always replied.

so i dealt with it the only way i knew how...

jo: i'm still waiting... if he doesn't reply at all, i'm done...
best friend: sigh was gonna ask...
jo: i'm so tired of letting my heart feel and then getting hurt. i really need to stop this emotional attachment crap...
best friend: maybe he's away. either way you'll know where you stand then you can regroup.
best friend: don't let your heart in yet. put your guard up and protect yourself. you're worth more than being strung along. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
jo: gosh i hate emotional attachment...
best friend: you still have me. love you babes. just divert your attention.

after a long day on saturday, i decided to head out with pool boy and 2 other of his guy friends and just be social. we just sat around and chilled out which was nice.

divert my attention. wasn't that what my best friend said?

but i still couldn't resist texting the youngest one...

jo: so did you not receive my text or does silence mean consent?

i held my breath... and got my reply...

the youngest one: jo is it? i lost my phone... just got my phone back... tomorrow i don't think so... just sold my bike so don't feel like leaving my house

we exchanged some texts back and forth and sorta said that perhaps we'd party next weekend. but i just didn't feel the connection we used to have. the friendship even.

and that bothers me.

but at this same time maybe i'm starting to like him less... perhaps 'coz i haven't been talking to him much recently?

so why is it that i can't seem to quite get him outta my mind... nor that feeling of wanting to contact him?

sniff this

for the most part i usually forget to wear perfume. my morning getting ready routine is already so packed that somehow spritzing some perfume always manages to escape my mind. but i've learnt to realise that ironically i have a rather keen sense of smell.

perfumes just have this ability to invoke pictures in my mind... people i've learnt to associate with those perfumes.

when i was 11 years old, i had this math teacher who i absolutely liked. she always wore her signature perfume. i never knew what it was but it something a tad sweet that i'm sure isn't being manufactured anymore. for years later, everytime i sniffed out this scent on a random person, i was always being reminded of a patient sweet teacher who i liked.

when i was younger my dad used to wear christian dior's fahrenheit and i remembered that before he went away on a business trip, he would give me a hug goodbye and his perfume that lingered gave me some kind of comfort. even till today, despite my dad no longer using this perfume, sniffing it out always brings out warm fuzzy feelings of my dad's love.

then in my first 'real' job as an intern of some sorts, there was a male colleague who would instantly get my attention whenever he walked past me (even behind me!) simply 'coz of his manly perfume. his wife worked in the same office and i was relatively close to her so i asked her for the name. it was hugo boss though i never could pick out the scent at the counter. somehow they just smelled different. but whenever i sniffed it out on someone, i would be reminded of my male colleague confidently striding in a manly way, leaving a manly scent in his wake.

recently it's been the youngest one's armani code perfume that my nose has been tuned to. when i first met him, i was immediately attracted to the scent. it was only the second time we met that i mentioned that i liked his perfume and asked for it's name. and now lately all i seem to be sniffing around me are random people wearing that perfume. and it drives me crazy 'coz i keep getting reminded of the youngest one. it just causes some kind of reaction in me. sniffing it makes me feel chemistry and an almost unsatisfied longing... indeed it's as the tagline said... the ultimate code for seduction.

before it even started...

... it may be the beginning of the end.

i was supposed to meet the youngest one over the weekend. it was now the 4th rescheduling.

by 4.20pm i still hadn't heard a word...

jo: so... yes, no, maybe? a girl has to plan...

an hour passed... still nothing.

jo: are you sleeping? so are we still on for dinner? 'coz i gotta know to figure out my own plan for then night...
the youngest one: haha sorry ya.. i just woke up.. don't think so cos will be going *nearby place on a short road trip* for the last time... sorry ya..

that pissed me off.

i was deciding between not replying to him and speaking my mind.

in the end speaking my mind won.

jo: when i make plans with someone, i actually block out the timing for the person and not wait till last minute to cancel out. so don't make plans you can't keep. enjoy your trip.
the youngest one: hey really really sorry. i know you are damn pissed.. sorry girl.. i hope i didn't ruin your day..

but i was on a roll...

jo: look i mean i don't think i'm an unreasonable person but cancelling out on me 4 times at the last minute pretty much takes the cake. if you wanna make plans with me, i'd appreciate it if you would actually keep 'em or just don't say instead of letting me actually make the time for you.
the youngest one: ya i understand.. really very sorry.. i understand if you are angry cos it's my fault..

i guess i started to go a lil soft 'coz he was being so apologetic...

jo: anyhow just wanted you to know how i feel and where i stand on making plans.
the youngest one: ok i got ya.. if it were me i would be angry too..
jo: okay... well at least we cleared that out...
the youngest one: yea.. you have fun ya

a lot of fun i did have. i stayed home.

but honestly perhaps the worst part? i'm still interested to see him... he just needs to get his act together and not cancel out on me. and i'm not sure if that will happen.

in search of new randomness

on saturday i went out with the yummy mommy and my party girl with a partial intention of finding a new random guy.

a part of me suddenly somehow got worried that i was liking the youngest one too much and i needed someone new to help me stop liking him that much. must be the partially commitment phobic side of me. i think i realised it when it occured to me that i was talking to him and thinking of him too much. and i can't see anything long term coming from it.

on friday i texted him some random friendly message. he didn't reply till 4 hours later. i was asleep by then. but i remember wondering before i fell asleep if he was with another girl. that's when i knew i was being irrational.

we were supposed to meet up on saturday for dinner but he postponed on me saying that he didn't sleep at all the night before and had a tournament the next day. he seemed like he was concerned that i would think he was cancelling on me. then again it was the third time he cancelled on me. but i thought the 'concern' was sweet. and even though i never asked, he explained that he took so long to reply to my message 'coz he was out of the country (as he sometimes is with his friends) and had no reception.

anyhow my saturday 'plan' to meet a new random guy didn't go all that well. sure i met a new random guy. he was a swiss friend of the yummy mommy's german friend. he was attractive and we seemed to get along pretty well. we even got a lil huggy at times. but nothing substantial happened. and somehow the youngest one and i wound up messaging in the later part of the night even as i got picked up by another guy in the club. and the youngest one and i wound up having another one of our middle of the night conversations that lately have seemed to be a weekly affair.

i think the youngest one and i have graduated to becoming friends as opposed to simply club acquaintances. in fact he himself acknowledged that i was a friend. but yet there's this not quite just platonic thing going on between us. i'm really not sure what's going on. we have arranged to meet up next week and hopefully we'll get to meet... eventually. 'coz i think i need to meet him outside of a club setting to maybe decide what's going on.

****

today my department and i went for lunch with a few people from our tobacco supplier. the last time i met the channel manager was at their tobacco launch a year ago. back then he was the key account executive but has since been promoted.

it was a good lunch. we talked bout work, we talked a lil bout non work related stuff. i always felt that given time and opportunity, the channel manager and i could probably get along well. before i left, he shook my hand and gave me a wink. exactly like what he did a year ago. dang this guy knows how to work it.

an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other

waay back in the days when i actually thought that prick04 was a nice guy trying his best to pursue me, i had actually wondered that between someone and prick04, who would i choose. of 'coz back then it was probably already silly since someone never expressed any real interest even though truth be told i always preferred him to prick04. of 'coz now i know that prick04 is a real prick and wouldn't choose him even if he were the last person on earth. but i remember back then thinking bout how someone was like an angel on my shoulder while prick04 was like a devil on the other shoulder. someone always managed to inspire me to be a better person. whereas prick04 always seemed to bring out the 'bad girl' side of me.

forward to now... and i find myself in yet another similar situation...

recently i've been talking to two 21 year old guys. i have no idea why i'm suddenly meeting and getting along with these young ones. shy colleague and i have been steadily talking via work IM for practically the entire time we're at work. sure we still do our work effectively, but that's still a whole lotta conversation. the youngest one and i don't talk as much but we still have our fair share of IMs, texts and late night phone conversations (after we make out for an entire night that is).

but these two 21 year olds couldn't be more different.

shy colleague is a real nice guy. shy and innocent though wacky at times. someone surprisingly mature and level-headed who i can have pretty deep conversations with and shares similar views as i do. he flatters me and somehow makes me feel secure, as though i have the 'upper hand'.

the youngest one however is a bad boy biker type. a nocturnal person who likes to sleep from 7am to 7pm and hangs out with his friends in the middle of the night. he's experienced and almost cocky though occasionally showcases a certain 'never quite grew up' quality that's kinda endearing. he kinda gives me a run for my money 'coz i never quite know what he's thinking. he's asked me out twice but both times cancelled out on me 'coz he was too tired. he's told me twice that he likes me and thinks i'm pretty, but he had been drinking then and besides that was before we even kissed. does kissing change things? does it mean anything more that he keeps kissing me? i think he knows the effect his kisses have on me. 'coz most dangerous of all he possesses great making out abilities and makes me realise why some people might choose to have friends with benefits.

an angel. and a devil.

not that either of 'em are actively pursuing me. and not that i'm even really considering either of 'em. but this time, it might be different... i have a feeling that if it would have come down to it, i would have picked the youngest one. 'coz somehow that draw is just too strong... it's like this raw primal need...

i suppose girls always like a lil bad boy in their guys...

then again if it were between someone and the youngest one. someone would win hands down. no contest.

which probably proves that while girls like the bad boys, what we really want is the good guy.

or maybe the fact that i would even think it were to be between someone and the youngest one could mean that i just like and want someone i can't have.

hen's night party

it was my good friend's hen's night party so a bunch of us girls went out for a yummy mexican dinner complete with even yummier happy hour priced margaritas. and then we headed to a club to watch some 'stripper' guys from south africa.

the guys didn't take off a whole lot. just their shirts and occasionally showing a hint of g-string. but they were hot and could dance really well. us girls thoroughly enjoyed the show and quickly picked out our fave guy.

it was a really good time. but since these bunch of girls aren't really the party types, the party ended by 1am. i however, was in a fun and playful mood, so i decided to join the youngest one and his friends in the club that we met.

i'm not exactly sure why i went. oh wait a minute, i think i know why i went. 'coz for some strange reason he has some effect on me. it was pretty fun in the club. i chatted with some of his friends, one of which i already met from before, and another one who seemed pretty nice and friendly. and of 'coz there was a lot of making out haha! we definitely have really good kissing chemistry. later when he reached home, he called me and we chatted for 2 hours.

but all this is messing with me.

i admit that i've been really distracted 'coz of him. in fact he was possibly the indirect reason i missed signing up for the race i initially wanted. of 'coz it's not entirely his fault. nerves, surgery as well as a recent bout of illness was my reason. but i'm certain the bout of illness was 'coz i was spending waay too much time last week chatting with him in the wee hours of the morning and not getting much sleep at all.

i can't afford this. i need to refocus myself in order to achieve the goals that i set out for myself for this year.

but dang that kissing is hot!

willpower

the weekend was absolutely crazy.

it was full of long talks and crazy happenings with the youngest one.

on friday a bunch of us friends went out to celebrate my best friend's birthday. it ended up with us in the club where the youngest one and i met. we had been texting so we each knew where the other was. it was there at the club when we kissed for the first time in the corridor leading to the bathroom, where a guy walking past actually cheered us on. it was also there where we kissed a couple more times and then in the taxi ride back to my place. i went home alone. he merely sent me back though it was sweet since my place was out of the way for him.

and then he called and we were on the phone chatting for a few hours.

my party girl and i decided to head out on sunday night. she had invited along her young guy friend and we were hanging out in a club listening to a live band. at this point it's important to note that i have never really invited anyone to join me and my party girl before. i guess it's 'coz the places that we go and the fun that we have is kinda different from what my other friends are used to or are even used to seeing me have. but for some reason i decided to invite the youngest one. and crazier still, my party girl and i were actually heading to her young guy friend's house for some drinks. but he was cool and told me to invite the youngest one and his friend. along the way we ran into a random neighbour of my party girl's young guy friend and he was invited as well.

so the 6 of us were just sitting around drinking and playing around with the host's ipod. it was pretty fun though the youngest one was rather shy and his friend even more so 'coz i don't think he said a word. but for the most part i had fun.

then it was time to head off. once again the youngest one went out of the way to send me home. there was more making out in the taxi. he's definitely a good kisser.

later he called and we were chatting on the phone again for a few hours.

it's all a bit too crazy for me. i don't think i've actually met a person who i could chat for ages with and yet have that strong physical connection. we definitely have some sort of chemistry but i'm not sure how compatible we are. like how i confessed to him, he's kinda like my kryptonite, he's too dangerous for me. but he's respectful of me and said that he knows i'm not the random hookup kinda lady (yeah he said i was a lady) and knows his limits and that's why he doesn't push it and just leaves it at making out. but doesn't mean he didn't try again by saying that if he was my kryptonite, i would be home with him.

it's tough. i really enjoy kissing him and it's tough. but i also know that that's not the direction i wanna be heading. but it doesn't mean that i want to stop kissing him. 'coz i don't.