Tuesday, August 28, 2007

in denial

it's been over a week since my family friend's setup and i have met up. and strangely it feels kinda weird. 'coz for the last at least 1.5 months we've been meeting up weekly.

maybe he's busy. afterall he does have work and school. i mean i'm busy with work and school too. in fact next week is exam week so i've been on a self imposed hibernation. but we could still do our weekly lunches right? except that sometimes he doesn't come into the office till later. or that he doesn't ask though i've asked at times.

i suppose i still don't get the feeling that he's interested. we get along great, that's a given. but interested? i'm just not sure.

the problem is that on friday night, as i was walking alone late at night from one club to another, confused and post 3 drinks, i admitted to myself how i really felt bout my family friend's setup. and the truth is i feel quite strongly.

which of 'coz in my typical fashion, should make me wanna run for the hills. to reel back my feelings, to want to find someone new to help me stop liking that person that much.

i'm terrible with emotion.

i admitted this to not-so-platonic ex-friend after he noted that i had brushed off a romantic comment of his with a joke.

not-so-platonic ex-friend: i think you guard yourself against it
not-so-platonic ex-friend: denying you feel anything
not-so-platonic ex-friend: for fear that feeling will bring hurt

i don't deny that.

i am scared. i don't dare to let myself feel too much. liking someone that much makes me vulnerable and gives him too much control. a lot of things in my life is spinning outta control, so i like to try and have some control. even when i know i really don't.

so i just try not to get too emotionally involved. it's hard. it's practically impossible. i'm probably lying to myself 'coz truth is, i do get emotionally involved. i just try to deny it in hopes that i can get out of that emotional involvement.

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At 9:38 PM, Blogger Crashdummie said...

This is so freaky cuz honestly, this could easily been something I could hjave written…
Jo, get out of my mind and stop reading my thoughts will ya!

But seriously, I think I’m totally emotionally screwed up when it comes to trusting my own feelings – when you cant trust yourself & your feelings, how can you trust someone else?

Why else do I keep saying I’m gonna become a nun?

At 9:38 PM, Blogger Crashdummie said...

ryc: thanx, but I think u need a hug too *hugz* :)

At 11:22 PM, Blogger Scotty said...

I have been the same way, but sometimes the only way to know if its going to work is to let someone in..

At 1:16 AM, Blogger The Ambiguous Blob said...

I'm with Scotty on this one!

At 10:20 AM, Blogger jo said...

thanks ya'll!

i would like to think that if i knew for sure how the other person felt and i felt the same, i would open up my heart and let the person in. presuming it's not totally wrong of 'coz. the scariest part is 'coz i don't want to let someone in who doesn't feel the same way i do bout him. that just seems like setting myself up for pain.

At 5:07 PM, Blogger Crashdummie said...

i know what you mean, everyones afraid of ending up hurt, of being the one who loves the other person more...

there is no guarantee in love and life, all you can do is go by gut feeling and have the faith to trust your heart.

"Some risks are worth taking,
some mistakes are worth making"

Wish u all the luck hun!


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