in denial

it's been over a week since my family friend's setup and i have met up. and strangely it feels kinda weird. 'coz for the last at least 1.5 months we've been meeting up weekly.

maybe he's busy. afterall he does have work and school. i mean i'm busy with work and school too. in fact next week is exam week so i've been on a self imposed hibernation. but we could still do our weekly lunches right? except that sometimes he doesn't come into the office till later. or that he doesn't ask though i've asked at times.

i suppose i still don't get the feeling that he's interested. we get along great, that's a given. but interested? i'm just not sure.

the problem is that on friday night, as i was walking alone late at night from one club to another, confused and post 3 drinks, i admitted to myself how i really felt bout my family friend's setup. and the truth is i feel quite strongly.

which of 'coz in my typical fashion, should make me wanna run for the hills. to reel back my feelings, to want to find someone new to help me stop liking that person that much.

i'm terrible with emotion.

i admitted this to not-so-platonic ex-friend after he noted that i had brushed off a romantic comment of his with a joke.

not-so-platonic ex-friend: i think you guard yourself against it
not-so-platonic ex-friend: denying you feel anything
not-so-platonic ex-friend: for fear that feeling will bring hurt

i don't deny that.

i am scared. i don't dare to let myself feel too much. liking someone that much makes me vulnerable and gives him too much control. a lot of things in my life is spinning outta control, so i like to try and have some control. even when i know i really don't.

so i just try not to get too emotionally involved. it's hard. it's practically impossible. i'm probably lying to myself 'coz truth is, i do get emotionally involved. i just try to deny it in hopes that i can get out of that emotional involvement.