Monday, September 29, 2008

what i'm doing

i admit that i was a lil nervous going into the office on monday morning… random makeouts aren’t exactly new to me… but never with a colleague. never with someone who i’m gonna have to face almost every day and actually work on the same project with for the next 2 months. and to make matters even more complicated, i actually sorta kinda like cutie aussie colleague.

come monday, things seemed alright. he acted like everything was normal and i followed his cue. i suppose in a way it’s slightly disappointing. maybe i would like to think that the kiss meant something more. but i’m a big girl… and if it doesn’t, then i can deal with it. but it's harder than expected though. not when i have to face him everyday. not when i have to face him everyday being attracted to him. and then being reminded of what happened. and what did not happen.

anyhow he’s leaving in mid december... and long distance isn’t really the best thing. besides he travels around so much for work projects and vacations in between that that i have a feeling he’s not really the commitment type anyway.


in other news, the med student and i have still been having fantastic conversations and finding even more things in common (even he acknowledged that). a recent conversation took a more joking / flirty turn as we joked bout being "sisters".

the med student: i dun mind u helping me file my nails, shave my eyebrows, giving me a facial n foot massage
jo: hahaha! i'm not your beauty therapist
the med student: n maybe we can have a pyjamas party, n sleep on the same bed
jo: hahaha! slumber party!
jo: you sleeping with your nightie? haha!
the med student: my nightie is nothing but my bdae suit...

that tone carried on for quite a while even as we talked bout other stuff such as hair and hair removal. of ‘coz i know that he’s just joking around. i’m just joking around too. though it’s possible that on some level maybe he’s just as attracted to me as i am to him. but since he has a girlfriend and ‘coz we’re now kinda “friends”, we aren’t gonna act on it.

so is all this wrong? joking / flirting a lil where one of the participants is attached?

well yeah i suppose technically in some way it’s kinda wrong… afterall to be honest i wouldn’t want my guy to be out doing that with other girls. but i’m single and i know my limits. and maybe in some way, sometimes for now i just don’t always think too much of a lil harmless flirtation.


which brings me to the point where i’m wondering if anyone out there wonders if i’m this totally confused child and what the heck am i getting myself into.

sometimes i wonder myself.

there i am making all this effort with drummer boy… and yet there i am randomly making out with the younger brother of my friend who owns cozy hole-in-the-wall bar and cutie aussie colleague. and then i’m chatting regularly and flirting a lil on IM with the med student, an attached guy i met in the club who i happen to be rather attracted to.

what am i doing?

i don’t know. being single? then again that’s the only thing i’ve ever known. which definitely makes me wonder if i can ever be capable of being in a proper relationship?

i like drummer boy. seriously i do. i could probably wind up liking cutie aussie colleague or the med student more if they showed interest or weren’t attached but that doesn’t look like it’s happening. which is silly i suppose since it’s not like drummer boy is showing interest anymore. but ‘coz my heart’s wired that way, since he already wormed his way into my heart, it’ll take nothing short of an army expedition of wrenching out to get him outta there.

if drummer boy was willing, i think at this point i would probably be willing as well. willing to try and give this proper relationship a shot. willing to try to learn to even be in a proper relationship. but in the meantime, i’m possibly back to my old ways of being very concerned not to get my heart shattered, trying to distract myself and being kinda unbothered bout what i do to help achieve all that.

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At 5:03 AM, Blogger SaneAndSingle said...

So the med student is trying to see if you will "go there" with him! He is flirting to see if you will take the bait. Be careful with that one!

At 9:21 AM, Blogger jo said...

saneandsingle: to be honest i really don't think he is trying to see if i will "go there" with him. i think he's flirting for the sake of some harmless flirting. and we do have a lot in common. much more than him and his gf. but that said, mainly it's just friendship 'coz we can talk with each other pretty well.

At 6:56 PM, OpenID nevergoingbackagain said... are just being single! :) enjoy it...and i so understand with drummerboy situation and not wanting to get your heart shattered. its hard.


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