some of the best conversations are had when tipsy

i work in a job that though can be absolutely hectic at times, can also be a lot of fun. and a lot of that can be attributed to the fact that i'm happy to say that i simply have a crazy fun bunch of colleagues.

we don't do office parties too much, generally once a year, sometimes twice. but on friday we had an almost impromptu party with the purpose of finishing up a whole lot of wine that we had left over from an event. it was a great time and things started getting crazier as the lot of us ingested more and more wine.

the cute aussie guy of the namecard giving (who, to refresh everyone's memory, is my colleague) brought along his fiancee to the party. i worked with her in my job when she was previously a client contact and due to the ties she has with the company i work for, i have had opportunities to get to know her better and we get along pretty well. we hadn't caught up in a while and so we were just chatting away. somehow the conversation turned to mention cutie aussie (now ex) colleague who not only used to work in the company but is also a childhood friend of cute aussie guy of the namecard giving.

now i used to fancy cutie aussie (now ex) colleague. i like to think that i was never that obvious bout it but obviously i'm wrong. 'coz she then mentioned something along the lines of a definite sentence of "you like him". admittedly i panicked in my head for a moment wondering if all my time of attempting to play it cool never worked 'coz she's the second one (the first being another of my colleagues) who called me out on liking him. crap!

i deflected it all very nicely with a "i don't like him". well it's true... i don't like him now... and she started going on bout how he's single and how i should stay with him in my next trip to his side of the world (which in all likelihood i would wind up at at some point since it's where my best friend lives). so i expertly declared "but i'm not single".

like any true girltalk, she then excitedly started asking me bout the alpha boy. i extoled one of his greatest virtues which was his low propensity to cheat. she agreed wholeheartedly on the importance of that and confided that that's why she picked cute aussie guy of the namecard giving.

i was slightly uncomfortable. 'coz i have on rather good authority that he has cheated on her many times before. granted he probably didn't actually sleep with someone else but well, there's been other very questionable behaviors on business trips which would definitely count as cheating in anyone's books. but of 'coz i'm in no position to burst her bubble.

she also shared that she was annoyed that cutie aussie (now ex) colleague slept with best friend on the first day they met and didn't even bother calling her after. i must say that that kinda ruined my impression of him. though strangely i'm not entirely surprised that he would do something like that. not that he's necessarily a jerk per se, but just that i always got the impression that he wasn't looking to settle down in any way and in some way lacked the maturity in relationships.

i guess it kinda went back to the whole cheating thing and how it's always been something that i'm most worried bout given the statistics of people who cheat. and i mean guys as well as girls. which basically means that i too am worried that i would cheat, not that i necessarily would, but the truth is, there just isn't any guarantees. i suppose in a way it's good to worry bout yourself cheating so that you would be more aware to not put yourself in any situations which might cause you to do so. the alpha boy would never be able to forgive that. and frankly, i wouldn't be able to forgive myself either.

oh tiger, you're not outta the woods yet

it's everywhere. you can't escape it. tiger woods and his multiple transgressions. while this whole scandal is largely very exciting for me (for other reasons than it simply being juciy gossip), i have to admit that it did get me thinking bout cheating.

this has always been something i worry bout, especially since the statistics of men who cheat aren't comforting. and then again you have to define what exactly constitutes cheating. is it an emotional connection? a physical expression? what if you were drunk? how bout flirting? going out with a possible intention? the list of question marks goes on.

which is why i think it's generally a good idea to be with someone who just doesn't even dance along those dangerous lines (even if he could). and this makes the alpha boy especially good to have.

just last night, i happened to "stalk" cutie aussie colleagues summer vacation pictures on his online social utility site. and i came across all these exciting pictures of him lazing on a boat, partying in the sun, partying in the night, hugging many different women... you get the picture. an awesome time, no doubt. i almost wished my life was half as exciting as that.

but while i do believe that cutie aussie colleague is a good guy and that i'm generally a rather confident and secure female, i must say that if he were my guy, i wouldn't exactly be the most thrilled to have him hugging many different women.

and it's times like these, in the midst of an ever increasing tiger woods scandal, that i really appreciate that for the most part ('coz you can never be too sure), i don't really have to worry bout that happening with the alpha boy. and that is something i always remind myself of when i occasionally get frustrated with him.

fortunately? or unfortunately?

i really needed a fun night like that. afterall i had missed out on a crazy partying night on sunday to mark the end of the event. my favorite pro athlete as well as the obviously lesbian pro athlete were there that night and i missed it 'coz i left the makeshift offsite office at 10pm and had to be back there again before 6am.

but last night... that was just what was necessary.

at lunch, some of the guys were talking bout heading out for drinks. and later in the evening i received a text from cutie aussie colleague informing me where they would be heading and asking me to come along.

it started out relatively easy. nothing more than just dinner and a few drinks. and then we decided to head to the club (which by now almost seems like the official club of the company i work for) and that was when everything got crazy.

we were all doing shots and mixing all kinds of drinks. i wasn't drunk but tipsy enough and yet still managed to hit that sweet spot where i wasn't hungover the next day.

there was this sweet looking girl who kept looking our way and i thought that she was interested in the new brit guy (who really needs a new nickname) but he told me that she was interested in me. and sure enough, she did come up to talk to me and seemed interested. it's strange. how do i manage to pull girls and not guys??

i reckon he realised that i wasn't into her and so to "save" me, he started dancing closely with me. now, we kinda have a history of good dancing with each other where a lotta twirls are involved. and that night was no exception. we even added some dips for good measure. it was really fun. i really like dancing with him. our twirls did occasionally take us within inches or each other's lips. but nothing happened. i still get that somewhat weird feeling that there is sometimes some sorta chemistry between us.

other than he's on the short side, a lil on the heavier side and prematurely balding at the tender age of 23, he's actually rather attractive. he's got beautiful blue eyes, a lovely smile and really sexy lips that makes you just wanna kiss him. but nothing happened. fortunately?

when the club closed, the rest of 'em wanted to head on to another place while i was just bout ready to call it a night. but cutie aussie colleague literally carried me into the taxi. i mean i hugged him goodbye and he lifted me off my feet and then wrapped an arm under my legs and carried me. later when we reached our destination, i basically fled into another taxi to head home. but before that i hugged cutie aussie colleague again 'coz he's leaving for another project in another country and i'm not sure when i'll see him again. we hugged and suddenly there was another weird feeling like we were going to kiss. but nothing happened. unfortunately?

how to deal

there was another one of those event nights during the event where we look for an excuse to drink. i got to know some of the pro athletes’ “helpers / advisors” and some various other people working on the event. by the end of the night we had a group of the core team hanging around drinking and chilling out.

later in the night cutie aussie colleague, a woman from another company that we work with and i decided to head down to a club to meet up with some others including the cute aussie of the namecard giving and his girlfriend (who also happens to be our client contact and she and i have become somewhat “friends”). i hadn’t danced it out in what seems like ages. i reckon dancing wise, it was a pretty fun time. cute aussie of the namecard giving’s girlfriend is fun to party with. but i must say that i was also a bit disappointed...

cutie aussie colleague and the woman from the other company that we work with was joking around a lot and dancing together. it hit me harder when he was dancing behind her with his hands on her waist. that made me feel that much less special when we previously danced together… not that we really danced together this time anyway... and he didn't wrap his arms around her waist or had his hands running down her arms... at least i don't think so... not that i stared... i mean i don’t really have a reason to think that this necessarily means anything ‘coz this woman is getting married at the end of the year. and besides this pro athlete’s “helper / advisor” was doing the same thing with me... okay well he had his arms around my waist... i suppose in part i kinda went along with it ‘coz i was trying to be unphased by cutie aussie colleague and the pro athlete’s “helper / advisor” was cute. but it didn’t mean much anyway since we weren’t ever properly introduced and i reckon we both acted a lil too cool to care when he said goodbye to the rest of the group. i saw him the next morning at the event and at least we acknowledged each other with a smile. i suppose that’s bout it. i can deal.

but it’s harder to deal when you actually like the guy. and like how it’s harder to deal with cutie aussie colleague, it’s harder to deal with the swedish guy not contacting me at all for a week. i really do like that guy and i thought that we had potential. and then nothing. he knew that this was my big week… event week. and you would have thought that he would just drop me a message every now and then to find out how i was. but he obviously doesn’t care or think of me enough.

it sucks. i mean seriously. and i’m pretty much sick and tired of it all. i’m tired with wondering what’s wrong with me that i’ve never been able to find someone. it’s demoralizing. and it’s not like all other areas of my life is going so fabulously well that i should feel that it’s “okay” to be short-changed in this area.

i think i must have been trying in my own way to forget bout the swedish guy (plus the fact that i mean it's drummer boy) 'coz i engaged in some flirty IMing with drummer boy. we essentially kinda agreed that we should make out. i'm not sure if that will ever happen again though frankly i don't mind though logically i probably shouldn't but hey it's drummer boy.

but then that might not serve the purpose of helping me forget all the boys in my life... sometimes i really wonder if i should switch camps and bat for the other team. afterall i did have a very highly ranked lesbian pro athlete checking me out...

it's called an event 'coz it's eventful like that

it’s that crazy time of work where i work long hours every single day, generally get stressed out and essentially have quite a crazy time. but as it goes, it can sometimes be somewhat eventful…

it was a nice surprise to know that the doctor from the previous event was back on site again. the first thing he said when he saw me besides the general pleasantries was that he replied to my email and then he didn’t hear from me for months. he seemed almost amused meets slightly disappointed.

hmm i’m positive that i replied and he was the one who didn’t. so i hunted out the email i sent to him to prove it…

from: jo
to: doc
don’t lie… my email went to spam right?? haha! this proves that i DID reply…

he promptly replied.

from: doc
to: jo
hi jo wha cannot offend woman they will remember everything i think it went straight to the junk mail haha :) take care and jo it is always great to have you around
see you
*insert doc’s first name*

i couldn’t help but wonder what the whole “it is always great to have you around” comment meant… that and why he doesn’t use punctuation…

from: jo
to: doc
was that a dig at my awesome memory? haha! go figure i was wondering how come i didn’t get a response. or maybe going straight to junk mail is just the latest excuse…

he didn’t reply. maybe it went straight to junk mail again… or that is indeed the latest excuse…

well i guess i did continue to see him around the event and have some chats with him at times. we do seem to get along relatively well.

****

it was also great to see cutie aussie colleague again. it's been months since we last met and when i saw him again today at the makeshift offsite office, we hugged warmly. though strangely not as warmly as when cute aussie guy of the namecard giving and i met at the event the day before... but that could have been just 'coz cutie aussie colleague was on the phone when we first saw each other again.

but that said, he took a seat opposite me and we started chatting and joking around. i've definitely missed him. it's so nice to have him around and i wish that i could have him around all the time. but he leaves on tuesday for another project in another country before he heads off for his summer holiday. i have no idea at all when our paths might ever cross again...

****

the event also brought bout some other “interesting” things… it was an event for the best of women pro athletes in a particular sport. i’ve always had my favorite… though not necessarily for her prowess in the sport though she’s definitely good. it’s mostly ‘coz she’s uber cute in a cute boyish kinda way and yes, she’s possibly lesbian.

there was a cocktail reception to kick things off and i had a chance to talk more to her (i’ve always said that i wanted to “hit on her”) but nerves got the better of me and i didn’t really manage to strike a conversation (or frankly, any conversation at all) though she was wearing some interesting pins on her shirt that would have made for a perfect opening line. it’s hard as well ‘coz she’s quite shy and quiet. but that probably just adds to her cuteness.

on the other hand there was this other pro athlete… very highly ranked and a pretty obvious lesbian. i never really thought bout her as being attractive but then i got a brief taste of her natural slightly flirtatious charm as she “winked” and smiled knowingly at me before she left. and it was then that i understood how she would manage to pull the girls.

****

but ‘coz i identify as a straight woman, i’ve really been thinking of the swedish guy and how it’s been over a week since he last contacted me outta his own accord. the last time we texted was on friday but i was the one who initiated it and technically that doesn’t really count. besides i was a wee bit disappointed that he didn’t bother to contact me that night when more than 2 hours had passed since the supposed time i was possibly going to meet him and his friend for a drink. in the end i just had to text him (‘coz i’m just nice like that) to let him know that i was still stuck at work and too tired to head out. he didn’t really ask me much either. i guess he’s just not that into me.

fare thee well

on thursday night we talked bout heading out to party to bid cutie aussie colleague farewell. somehow i decided to text him on friday night asking if that plan still stood. he replied that cute aussie guy of the namecard giving was cooking dinner at his place (where incidentally cutie aussie colleague was staying anyway) and he graciously invited me to join 'em.

when i arrived, the new brit guy and cute aussie guy of the namecard giving's girlfriend (then again i think she lives with her boyfriend) were already there. i took an empty seat next to cutie aussie colleague at the dinner table and he scooped out a bowl of chilli mussels for me.

it turned out to be a lotta fun. dinner was great and there was wine, dessert and plenty of awesome conversation. it made me realise that while sometimes i love the partying, i also really love to just stay in and chill with "friends" (i haven't quite figured out yet if we're all colleagues or friends). i think so far i do get along with 'em and hopefully things will progress to a point where we're actually friends though sometimes that can be hard.

when it was time to go, cutie aussie colleague and i shared a nice long hug as i bid him farewell. i'll probably see him for a week in early march when he comes back to help out briefly on the next project i'll be doing. and then he will be jetting off to another country for that big scary project while my plans are still up in the air but looks like i might be heading off to another place for bout a month or so to help out in another project. and then it's anyone's guess what happens next.

chances are...?

last night the entire team who worked on the project that just ended went out for dinner and drinks. it was a pretty fun time where we all just sat around, ate, drank and had some good laughs.

as the night wore on, the team dwindled to the few of us who were more erm... alcoholic? it was basically cutie aussie colleague, cute aussie guy of the namecard giving (who i absolutely love when he's tipsy), the new brit guy (who has a penchance to twirl all the girls on the dancefloor), the new brit female PA, the boss lady (btw did i mention that i totally love her 'coz she's uber cool and awesome), another female colleague and me.

at one point we got to discussing the "relationship" between cutie aussie colleague and the pro athlete. and i have to say that i felt almost validated in my opinion when my female colleague told cutie aussie colleague straight up (in the nicest way possible) that he reminded her of a cute puppy dog... who was being strung along. cutie aussie colleague responded with puppy dog eyes.

honestly i do still like him. he possesses quite a few characteristics that i deem as attractive and what i want in a man. i mean i really do think that he's a great guy. it's just that somehow as realist as he claims he is, he's still allowing himself to be strung along by the pro athlete. i'm not saying that she's not nice or gorgeous 'coz she is. but she also knows that the guys just fall all over her and she can get anyone she wants. for that matter, so can cutie aussie colleague. he created quite a stir during the event where everyone was asking who was that hot guy. but you never get that feeling that he knows it or uses it to his favor which is even more attractive.

so yes, i do still like him. but in some ways, i myself am a realist too. and the reality is that he's flying back home tomorrow and i probably won't get to spend any extended time with him on work projects for at least 6 months. i mean honestly what chance do i have?

****

i emailed doc yesterday. a short, simple, friendly email. he hasn't responded.

this could be a second chance to take...

one of my colleagues has somewhat decided to take it upon herself to tease me bout doc. and somehow even cutie aussie colleague heard bout it. that was when she asked him if he had doc's contact. and he did.

i've learnt that if i just play along with all the teasing, no one can really tell if i'm truly interested or not. so that's what i did. and both of us had a hilarious time joking around bout how she had a slightly sprained ankle (which was true) and was in need of a doctor and how since i'm such a good friend, i was volunteering to call doc for her.

apparently more of this occured again as the boss lady joined in on the fun, repeating once again (this time in the presence of everyone else) bout how he's interested in me. yeah well i'm not positively sure.

the event is over and i'm not likely to see him ever again. but yeah, i do have his namecard. which means that i have his email and his contact number. i'm not sure if i should try and contact him. and i'm even less sure bout what to say. he's pretty cool and everyone seems to think so as well. and in fact he kinda suggested to cutie aussie colleague in a passing statement bout how they should catch up for a beer. maybe that's a guy thing.

but what does a girl say to make the "first move" without coming across as desperate or whatever??

a lil sad and missing...

i have been rather delinquent in my postings lately solely due to a project i am currently doing which has left me spending at least 16 hours a day at work.

but now as the project is more or less over, i'm left with this strangely sad feeling. i hate saying goodbye. i think that i have attachment issues. i like this team i worked with and it will be especially hard to say goodbye to cutie aussie colleague.

despite everything...

last night we had a gala dinner to mark the ending of the event. after it was over, we all wound up partying. they are a crazy bunch and it's always good to party it up on the company's account. in the 2 times that cutie aussie colleague and i have partied together, both times we wound up dancing closely with his hands wrapped around my waist. except for this time. this time he was more focussed on one of the pro athletes who we kinda work with. i hear they go "way back". apparently she's kinda always had a bit of a crush on him. how i can i fight with that? she's young, hot and a very up and coming pro athlete.

except that i thought it was pretty obvious that in some ways she was stringing him along. sure she was grinding him but i found it a bit skanky that she was grinding every other guy as well. and yet the guys all bought into that.

a lady from another company that i work with echoed my exact sentiments verbally to me. we think that he's a really great guy but it was also kinda pathetic to see him desperately try and get with the pro athlete when she couldn't even focus her attention on just him.

i guess that kinda suddenly put me off him. just like that. but of 'coz i still do have some remaining feelings for him.

but all this got me thinking bout doc real fast...

who is this doc you ask. well during the event we hired a doctor. he turned out to be a totally buffed and really friendly guy. we just got on great naturally right from the start. in fact the boss lady (who is uber cool) said that she thinks that he's interested in me 'coz it seemed like he was always hanging round our makeshift offsite office.

well i don't deny that i found him attractive. and i do believe that there certainly is some mutual attraction going on. but he never gave any real indiciation on his availability. i was encouraged by the boss lady and another colleague to ask for his number to keep in contact. but i guess i never really got the opportunity to do that alone nor the guts.

and now it's just bout the end of the project and chances are i'm probably never gonna be seeing him again (he doesn't even normally do these kinda jobs 'coz he's into aero-medical evacuations). and while it's not necessarily a huge deal, i'm feeling a lil sad at perhaps a lost chance.

as my best friend said... carpe diem.

late nights at work...

it's been purely absolutely crazy at work. to the point that i just bout might as well be camping there.

the good thing is that i get to spend a fair bit of late nights with cutie aussie colleague though we're always with other colleagues and i leave work quite a bit later than he does anyway. but i'm loving the lil crazier moments we have at work. cutie aussie colleague never fails to crack me up with his dry humor and wit.

i like the boss lady. and since lately we've been the last ones to leave work, we have also gotten in some pretty good private conversations. one of which had her practically telling me that she thinks cutie aussie colleague is a great guy and i should consider him. she's expressly or non expressly implied that to me several times before. so in a rare moment of honesty, i 'fessed up that if he were based in the same place as i was and if he were into me, i would consider him. she then declared something along the lines of how it's a global company and our (his and mine) paths might cross again. i guess she doesn't think long distance is too difficult or something. though she did admit that sometimes you need to give it some time.

trust me, i think he's awesome. and i even kinda maybe think that if we were based in the same area and given some time, things might even maybe somewhat work out. 'coz at least there is this small glimmer of a chance that he could possibly be interested in me in some way.

but the truth is, he's leaving in mid december. and i just found out that even if i do get the opportunity to possibly take up the project to be based elsewhere, he has already taken up another project to be based somewhere else entirely at that time.

unless i do like what the boss lady suggested...

she talked bout how i should talk to him bout maybe joining him in that project. afterall he told her that they were still looking for people. but taking up that project would definitely be like jumping in the deep end. and i don't mean with cutie aussie colleague. we do work well together, and in some strange way i think based on our personality and temperament, we could even share an apartment together without too much problems. the jumping in the deep end would be doing a huge, totally new project in a totally new place (which honestly i'm not really keen on 'coz it's kinda rural) where there would definitely be culture shock and a whole lotta adjusting to do.

but doing that project also means greater exposure to the industry, a longer stay and the chance to be closer to cutie aussie colleague.

yeah well i still don't know...

hoping for a third time charm

okay i'll admit it... i like cutie aussie colleague.

i like his personality and i'm madly attracted to him. plus he cracks me up. it was too funny when recently we were joking over the phone in the midst of a work conversation bout how he never identified himself over the phone to me anymore (even when calling from a landline where it could be anyone calling) and he then said that in future he would call and speak in different voices just to throw me off. how could anyone not like him?

i like him. i freaking like the dude.

but i also have to everything i can not to get ahead of myself. afterall it doesn't really look like the makings of anything happening. and even if he does get to be the flatmate, if i should even get the opportunity to possibly take up the project to be based elsewhere, i found out that the project wraps up in early may which only gives me at the very most 2 months there by the time i'm done with the project before that. i think i may need more than just 2 months to work whatever mojo i might not even have. then again in a drunken stupor it took less than a month for my mojo to work...

the thing is that i'm really just wondering what's the deal. i just wished i knew if all i was to him was an "oops" or it might have possibly even meant something a wee bit more. actually i just wished that he liked me back.

something tells me that there is some mutual attraction going on. afterall it wasn't just a one-time thing. it was a two-time (granted we didnt kiss the second time... and yes i'm going ahead to assume that we kissed the first time). but is the attraction enough? i don't know...

i'm hoping for third time is a charm?

not quite "vegas" but maybe just at the border

friday was cutie aussie colleague's 25th birthday. and the boy actually sent out an email to some people at work inviting us to celebrate with him for dinner and drinks. naturally i jumped at this chance.

since he moved to the makeshift off-site office, i've definitely missed his presence. though the light joking around within work related emails have been fun. he definitely cracks me up.

so dinner and drinks were a lot of fun. especially when we wound up at a club partying. this time i did not manage to keep to my plan of not drinking too much (though truth be told i knew i was gonna ditch that plan that night). but it was a nice tipsy without blanking out.

as the night progresed it was just cutie aussie colleague, the cute aussie guy of the namecard giving, his girlfriend (who incidentally is our client contact) and a new brit guy that joined the company recently to work on the same project as we are. we were just all having fun dancing around. and i wound up being twirled around by the new brit guy and even had a bit of a playfight with him. i couldn't quite hear or remember what he was saying but i have a feeling that he was kinda taking a shine to me. in fact we wound up very close after a few twirls and 'coz we are bout the same height, we were probably inches away from our lips touching but nothing happened.

possibly 'coz i'm more interested in cutie aussie colleague. we danced as well. it was reminiscence of the chivas after party. in fact i'm thinking that maybe it was him afterall who i was dancing with and wound up kissing. afterall the way we were dancing was familiar. he was behind me with his arm wrapped around my waist or his hands running down my arms. we didn't kiss. i'm not sure if it was 'coz we were in the nearby presence of everyone else.

but we never ever talked bout what might have happened at the chivas after party. so i still don't know if i was him or if he remembers or if he's just not too interested anyway. afterall he is leaving right after this current project wraps up in mid december.

though i just heard from my boss that there's a chance that i might be sent to be based elsewhere for a couple of months after my next project ends in march and cutie aussie colleague might be working on that project too. and given how this company normally works, there's a chance that we might all be sharing an apartment together...

within work related emails...

this week cutie aussie colleague moved to the makeshift off-site office. and i have to say that his presence is definitely missed.

i no longer need to dress extra cute 'coz there's no one to dress up for. i no longer have a lunch buddy. i no longer get to see his cute face or hear his lovely aussie accent.

but there is one good thing though...

it's quite funny but it seems like we have more time to joke around via email then ever before. all in between work related emails of 'coz.

so it's like:

from: cutie aussie colleague
to: jo

hi jo,

can you please send me the *insert name of file* - no *insert name of common IT drive*

thanks

*insert name of cutie aussie colleague*


from: jo
to: cutie aussie colleague

maybe there should be a charge on each file sent haha!

here goes!


from: cutie aussie colleague
to: jo

thanks - for every 5 files i'll get you a coffee!

here is the outstanding *insert name of content of files*

cheers

*insert name of cutie aussie colleague*


from: jo
to: cutie aussie colleague

5 files for a coffee? dude you drive a hard bargain... and i don't even drink coffee haha!

how is it that there are even more *insert name of content of files* now? okay i will have to confirm 'em again... 'coz pages 5 & 6 look foreign to me...


from: cutie aussie colleague
to: jo

ok 3 files for a coke - my last offer!

the additions are less important - and that is only a fraction of the *insert name of content of files*


from: jo
to: cutie aussie colleague

then i think you just might owe me a coke already...

only a fraction? i'm thinking more coke...


oh work related emails can be such fun stuff!

friendly weekends

so one of the main ways i've been trying to get back on track is to spend more time with friends, especially girl friends. and last weekend was fabulous at that.

since i decided that one of the key ways to stay drama free and on track would be to limit my drinking, i've been actively deciding not to drink too much... besides i haven't even been feeling like drinking much at all lately.

on friday i made plans to meet up with one of my close friends in uni for dinner and one drink. lately it seems like we've been reconnecting. and since she broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years bout 3 months ago, she's probably having more free time on her hand and we've talked bout the possibilities of making a short group trip or going speed dating together.

on saturday i met up for brunch with my new party BFF, her good friend who i've met quite a few times before (who i shall now christen as ms cool cat) and another one of their girl friends who i've met once before in the club and hit it off. it was a really great time. i'm loving the fact that my new party BFF and ms cool cat aren't just all bout the partying together but also seem to like to have these lil girl time meeting ups over meals. it makes me wish that my party girl and the yummy mommy were more like that 'coz it seems like we hardly meet up unless there's drinking involved.

sunday i went for this art exhibition with my family friend's setup. in fact i was the one who asked him if he would like to go 'coz i was looking for someone to go with me and remembered that he's kinda artsy.

so yeah we haven't heard bout him for a while. in fact i haven't seen him in at least over 6 months. but things were just as comfy as they were before. we never had a problem talking or getting along.

i'm not sure if there's anything there. thanks to a heavy downpour, we both wound up sharing an umbrella where i wound up holding his arm yet again. that was nice. but i'm still kinda inclined to think there isn't anything there. it was actually kinda funny 'coz the person we were talking to at the art exhibition counter (probably thinking we were a couple) suggested that we check out another one of the exhibition sites where it was romantic. and i could feel like maybe we were both a lil embarrassed and kinda sniggering to ourselves. so yeah i think i'll go out on a limb and say that we're kinda platonic.

but it was a great weekend. a weekend filled with friends. i'm hoping to have more weekends like this.

****

just as i'm trying to stop trying to "date" and yet acknowledging that i would definitely miss the making out, i had to go and have a dream bout just that.

i think i dreamt that cutie aussie colleague said that he liked me or something like that and we wound up at his place making out.

gosh i'm so attracted to him. hearing his voice every day is audio pleasure. i'm such a sucker for aussie accents and coupled with his chirpy baritone voice is enough to get me. and then that messy hair and tall somewhat athletic (though he really isn't athletic) stature...

okay i think this missing making out thing is going to be harder than expected...

****

come monday morning, i barely signed into IM when i received a message from drummer boy. he talked bout how he was very near my place (like very near... literally in my estate area) on sunday to help his friend help his fiancee (that would be his friend's fiancee and not drummer boy's fiancee haha!) move outta her place.

i found it a lil strange that he would suddenly chat with me bout that. but it was nice 'coz for a while it was back to the usual drummer boy conversation that i like... where he was more open and communicative and giving me an insight to what he was up to and his thoughts.

so yeah it's tougher than i imagined trying to gett him outta my heart and mind...

what happened in "vegas"?

there may have been some fuzzy vague blanked-out moments the night of the chivas after party… but i thought i kinda knew what happened. well maybe not.

i met up with my party girl on friday night when she suddenly asked me…

jo’s party girl: who was that guy you were with at the chivas after party?
jo: that was my colleague
jo’s party girl: no no… you said that you just met him or something
jo’s party girl: and i think he told me that he remembers seeing me in *insert name of club that we used to frequent*
*cue to jo being very confused at having no recollection whatsoever of any random guy nor any such conversation ever taking place that night*
jo’s party girl: i think he said his name was *insert a nice normal simple easy-to-remember name*
*cue to jo being even more confused as name does not ring any bells*
jo: oh well… who cares

yeah well but it was still a lil freaky.

so now i’m kinda wondering who the heck did i kiss that night? was it cutie aussie colleague or nice normal simple easy-to-remember name dude who i don’t remember at all? but then again i feel like it was cutie aussie colleague. geez i’m confused. oh well…

****

that said, cutie aussie colleague is certainly proving to be rather intriguing to me.

other than him being far more attractive than any other colleague i’ve had in a long while, there is just something bout him.

he has this incredible wit and he says his witty comments in a somewhat calm manner with just a hint of amusement to let you know that he is joking. and even when he’s slightly annoyed, he makes comments in a somewhat joking manner that is also laced with a little sarcasm. in fact i was thinking that i should learn some of his lines and use ‘em.

it’s a pity that he will leave in mid december and in fact he will be moving to a makeshift off-site office next week where i will only be joining him there some time next month. i'll definitely miss him and his lunch company. and dang he smells nice...

yep, he definitely intrigues me…

tuesdays with jo

after attempting to make plans and having 'em rescheduled or shot down, it was another night in my lonesome. but i've been feeling restless lately and was determined to head out anyway, even if i do it alone.

after work, i rushed to fix the heel of my heels which met with a lil mishap earlier in the day during lunch time with cutie aussie colleague. okay sidetrack here... cutie aussie colleague and i wound up having lunch together. and it wasn't any better or worse than before. it was pretty much the same. i guess that means we're gonna be just pretending that nothing happened that night. oh well...

anyhow back to my story...

while getting my heel fixed, i heard whitney houston's the greatest love of all playing. i love that song. it always brings back warm and fuzzy memories of my best friend and i performing the song to her aunts and uncles when we were lil kids. and later as i was done with my heels and having dinner alone, that song kept playing in my mind.

i thought in some way it was rather applicable. afterall it's a song bout learning to love yourself. i pondered over a few things as i normally like to do when i'm alone. you know how sometimes you can feel lonely even in a crowd? well sometimes i feel totally at peace, centered and fulfilled when i'm alone.

and 'coz he's been the boy of the season, my thoughts naturally drifted to drummer boy. i thought bout why i liked him despite him being "wrong on paper" and that's when the word progression occured to me.

there was progression with drummer boy. and that's not something i ever see in my "dating" life. more often than not it starts off with a few "dates" and then fizzles out quickly before anything even happens. or else it could start with a random makeout and then a few "dates" and then the fizzle. or it could just be a random makeout and that's pretty much where it starts and ends.

things were different with drummer boy. we went on a few closely-spaced"dates" before things started to happen along the way. i grew to like him more and he wormed his way into my heart. there was progression.

sure now there's regression but well the fact remains that before him, i just didn't ever really see progression in my "dating" life.

maybe that's why i have such strong feelings for him. and the reason why somehow with this one i just had to really try. i mean i've never laid my cards out like that so openly before. and this brings me back to "blaming" him for giving me a taste of the not-so-random lifestyle and making me want to settle down and progress.

yes, sometimes i like time alone with myself to come to my own epiphanies.

with that, i decided i needed to watch a funny, light-hearted movie to take my mind off things and then proceed to head to the bookstore to do one of my favorite things which is to read.

all in all, i reckon it was a lonesome tuesday night well spent.

what i'm doing

i admit that i was a lil nervous going into the office on monday morning… random makeouts aren’t exactly new to me… but never with a colleague. never with someone who i’m gonna have to face almost every day and actually work on the same project with for the next 2 months. and to make matters even more complicated, i actually sorta kinda like cutie aussie colleague.

come monday, things seemed alright. he acted like everything was normal and i followed his cue. i suppose in a way it’s slightly disappointing. maybe i would like to think that the kiss meant something more. but i’m a big girl… and if it doesn’t, then i can deal with it. but it's harder than expected though. not when i have to face him everyday. not when i have to face him everyday being attracted to him. and then being reminded of what happened. and what did not happen.

anyhow he’s leaving in mid december... and long distance isn’t really the best thing. besides he travels around so much for work projects and vacations in between that that i have a feeling he’s not really the commitment type anyway.

****

in other news, the med student and i have still been having fantastic conversations and finding even more things in common (even he acknowledged that). a recent conversation took a more joking / flirty turn as we joked bout being "sisters".

the med student: i dun mind u helping me file my nails, shave my eyebrows, giving me a facial n foot massage
jo: hahaha! i'm not your beauty therapist
the med student: n maybe we can have a pyjamas party, n sleep on the same bed
jo: hahaha! slumber party!
jo: you sleeping with your nightie? haha!
the med student: my nightie is nothing but my bdae suit...

that tone carried on for quite a while even as we talked bout other stuff such as hair and hair removal. of ‘coz i know that he’s just joking around. i’m just joking around too. though it’s possible that on some level maybe he’s just as attracted to me as i am to him. but since he has a girlfriend and ‘coz we’re now kinda “friends”, we aren’t gonna act on it.

so is all this wrong? joking / flirting a lil where one of the participants is attached?

well yeah i suppose technically in some way it’s kinda wrong… afterall to be honest i wouldn’t want my guy to be out doing that with other girls. but i’m single and i know my limits. and maybe in some way, sometimes for now i just don’t always think too much of a lil harmless flirtation.

****

which brings me to the point where i’m wondering if anyone out there wonders if i’m this totally confused child and what the heck am i getting myself into.

sometimes i wonder myself.

there i am making all this effort with drummer boy… and yet there i am randomly making out with the younger brother of my friend who owns cozy hole-in-the-wall bar and cutie aussie colleague. and then i’m chatting regularly and flirting a lil on IM with the med student, an attached guy i met in the club who i happen to be rather attracted to.

what am i doing?

i don’t know. being single? then again that’s the only thing i’ve ever known. which definitely makes me wonder if i can ever be capable of being in a proper relationship?

i like drummer boy. seriously i do. i could probably wind up liking cutie aussie colleague or the med student more if they showed interest or weren’t attached but that doesn’t look like it’s happening. which is silly i suppose since it’s not like drummer boy is showing interest anymore. but ‘coz my heart’s wired that way, since he already wormed his way into my heart, it’ll take nothing short of an army expedition of wrenching out to get him outta there.

if drummer boy was willing, i think at this point i would probably be willing as well. willing to try and give this proper relationship a shot. willing to try to learn to even be in a proper relationship. but in the meantime, i’m possibly back to my old ways of being very concerned not to get my heart shattered, trying to distract myself and being kinda unbothered bout what i do to help achieve all that.

what happened in "vegas"

it's the weekend of a big event here and frankly i wasn't intending to head out after the first day of the event on friday night. but one of my colleagues told me that a few other colleagues were intending to party and i decided to take this chance to get to know 'em outside of a work setting.

my new brit female colleague, cutie aussie colleague, the cute aussie guy of the namecard giving and i went to a chivas after party. that turned out to be absolutely crazy. i must have had at least 6 large cups of 3/4 filled chivas drinks.

and then at some point cutie aussie colleague and i found ourselves alone on the dance floor dancing. he stood behind me and wrapped his arm around my waist as we danced together. and then we wound up kissing.

i have no idea how that happened. i'm kinda wondering if i accousted him 'coz i've always kinda had a crush on him. but yet i thought that he was the one who put the moves on me first. could it be that maybe we kinda like each other a lil?

that said this is the first time i've kissed a colleague. and it's a lil scary 'coz i don't know if there will be any repercussions. initially i wanted to send a text telling him something along the lines of "whatever happens in vegas, stays in vegas". but then my party girl suggested calling instead and just casually asking how he's doing.

so i decided to call him in the late afternoon. it was a very brief chat. i just asked how he was doing and laughed a lil at what a crazy night it was. he acted perfectly normal... so i'm not sure if he even remembers. or maybe it's just not that big a deal.

well yeah it isn't that big of a deal... except that we work together (though my boss actually told me that dating colleagues is not frowned upon) and that i really don't mind going out with him...

'coz we all need a lil eye candy in the office

when i first stepped into my new office and i was being introduced to everyone, i immediately took notice of this cute aussie guy. sure i was also introduced to this other cute aussie guy as well but i was sufficiently distracted by the first one 'coz he was the only one who gave me his namecard.

soon after in a casual conversation with my boss, she let slip that the cute aussie guy of the namecard giving was in fact attached. but the other cute aussie guy wasn't. she also mentioned that both were at least a few years younger than i was.

since then i started paying a bit more attention to the other cute aussie guy. i remembered in one meeting where i was thinking to myself that yeah he's definitely cute (in fact maybe even cuter than the namecard giving one 'coz though he was younger, he looked more manly).

but we never talked much though. even though we were working on the same project. up until last week...

for whatever reason (maybe my boss who was then away on vacation asked him to) he asked me to join him in a few offsite meetings for one afternoon. in between those meetings, we had lunch, sat around, talked... it was nice getting to know him a lil better.

i learnt that cutie aussie colleague came from a place in australia which is close to my heart. in fact my best friend currently lives there now. and he's only here in town for this project and will be leaving in mid december.

after that day, it seemed like maybe we were a lil more friendly with each other. but 'coz i'm the newbie who is kinda isolated in one corner of the office while everyone else is more or less seated together, i'm not really close to any of 'em.

today i was on my way out for lunch. normally a few of us would head out for lunch together. and very occasionally him included. but today no one i normally ate lunch with was around. so i was going to go alone. as i passed by his desk and saw him seated alone in his section, i decided to ask him if he wanted to grab lunch.

it was nice having lunch with him even though we didn't really do or say much. honestly i was kinda nervous. even though i'm supposed to be all grown up, i still feel very much like a teenaged schoolgirl when i'm in the vicinity of a cute guy.

but that said, after a very long time of not having any eye candy in the office, it sure is nice to have some eye candy once again.

[edit]

yep i consider it some kinda "progress" when he pops by to my lil isolated corner and asks me if i want some late morning brunch since he was heading downstairs to pack back some for himself. he knows i can eat... unfortunately i had just eaten...