Sunday, March 29, 2009

5 days into the detox and...

so i'm back from my short beach holiday with 5 other girl friends and it was a great time. it was amazingly chilled even though we managed to finish the following amounts of alcohol:

  • 1 carton of beer
  • 1 bottle of red wine
  • 1 bottle of white wine
  • 1 bottle of champagne
  • 2 bottles of macallan
  • 2 bottles of vodka
no one got drunk or puked or met anyone or madeout randomly with anyone. then again maybe 'coz we finished all that alcohol by ourselves in the villa laughing and playing card drinking games.

when i got back online again, one of the guys from the online dating site who i have been chatting with for a few months promptly IMed me. after the usual pleasantries, he asked...

guy: how's your schedule to meet up this week?
jo: bout meeting up, i'm kinda taking some time off for a while from meeting up...
guy: okay sure :)
jo: perhaps end april if you still wanna
guy: sure
jo: cool! thanks for understanding :)
guy: if you are not fussy about how a guy looks :)
jo: haha!

we were always talking bout meeting up and one day even actually came really close to it except that at the last minute he cancelled. i pretty much gave up after that and frankly didn't really bother too much bout it either. but all the same i'm glad that i was given a chance to practice my i'm-not-dating-right-now speech. all in all i think it went pretty well.

and then i got to say it proper...

"booty caller": still want our makeout session? :p
jo: so bout that...
jo: i'm making some changes to my life and i think at this point, that isn't something that will be beneficial to me

"booty caller": huh?
jo: yeah
"booty caller": ????
"booty caller": :(
jo: i'm also taking some time off from meeting up
jo: but if you still want to meet and for us to get to know each other better as people and not just a makeout thing then i'm fine after april

"booty caller": after april?
jo: yep taking a month off from meeting up
jo: going to concentrate on myself
"booty caller": so make out after a month?
"booty caller": i'm confused
jo: nah i meant that after a month, i will consider meeting up with guys again
jo: but the making out will still be for when something more is established

"booty caller": what happened
jo: nothing happened
jo: i think it was something that should have come bout a long time ago but i just got a lil lost along the way
jo: but now it's time to clean up my act and find myself again

the conversation carried on. where basically he said that it was just a kiss and that we promised each other and that he would take care of me and that he was waiting so long for me and how he felt conned and asked if i could just go with it for one last time. what a stellar guy. but i held my ground. and i told him bout how him just wanting a makeout session and seemingly thinking that i'm just good for that and not wanting to get to know me as a person made me feel used. i don't think he understood at all or didn't even try to.

i think there's a very high chance that i won't hear from him again. especially since he suddenly went offline after telling me that he didn't think of me that way and that if he just wanted a makeout then he would have met me a long time ago. yeah except that he's forgetting that i've always been the one holding him off on the meeting up. anyhow no loss since we never really established anything more than just flirty IMing on his part bout making out. we never met each other. we never even exchanged phone numbers. it's like in each other's world, the other doesn't even exist. he may hate me for thinking that i led him on. he may in time learn to respect the fact that i respected myself. it doesn't matter. all that matters is that i think i just took a big step in the right direction. and i'm immensely proud of myself for that.

but it doesn't help me to stop thinking of the swedish guy. i thought bout him even while i was away. it's frustrating really. and it's really depressing to know that he probably doesn't really care too much bout me anyhow.

and then there's the case of the alpha game player confusing me. he calls or texts me almost everyday. it's like we're just friends. and yet i'm not so sure. especially with his occasionally flirty texting or IMing bout how he was so lonesome when i was away. and yet we've technically never had a date. just 3 dutch meeting ups. maybe it's just all a game. and even if it weren't, i'm not sure how to take it.

i also learnt that my best friend's divorced 60 year old mother just found a boyfriend (her first since the divorce a few years ago. and he is 10 years younger to boot). she's great and deserves to be happy and while i'm happy for her, i can't help but think that there must definitely be something wrong with me if it takes me longer than she does to find someone.

i really wished i could escape from all these feelings inside me...

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At 1:14 AM, OpenID caterpillar85 said...

well first of all i'm glad you had a great time with your girlfriends. those are always such therapeutic times and i know i enjoy them!

secondly, i'm so proud of you actually putting the "detox" into full swing! i'm officially joining your for the month of April but think mine will last even longer as I plan to stay focused until I graduate, get a job & move.

thirdly...there is absolutely nothing wrong with you hun. but i do understand the feelings of uncertainty and insecurity that you are going through. i really hope that both of us find the inner peace & strength we've been looking for over the next month!

At 6:55 AM, Anonymous Ecrivain said...

I'm also proud of you for putting yourself first. It's not easy because you'll still probably feel the same old feelings inside of you -- but the difference this time around is that you've decided to develop a relationship with yourself first.

Remember what Carrie said in the very last episode of "Sex and the City" -- the most important relationship you could ever have is with yourself. If you find someone who loves you for who you are, then that's just icing on the cake.

At 11:20 AM, Blogger jo said...

caterpillar85: actually i'm quite proud of myself for putting the detox into full swing as well. i was worried that i wouldn't really carry it out. now i just have to worry that i won't last haha!

i'm glad that you're joining me in on this. hopefully we both will emerge feeling better bout ourselves than we've felt before.

ecrivain: you're totally right. bout how it's not easy 'coz i'm still feeling all the same old feelings inside. i think that is the hardest 'coz i keep expecting like some miracle to happen and i will suddenly not be feeling and thinking all the same stuff. and yes, i've always believed that you gotta be happy with yourself first before you can be happy with someone else. i just hope i get to that happily ever after with someone else part.

At 12:01 AM, Blogger The Ambiguous Blob said...

But you don't want to really "escape" from your feelings, right? That's why you're concentrating on yourself for awhile- to figure out what it is that you really feel. So go ahead... let it happen- the feelings stuff. Eeek! It's ok.

At 10:28 AM, Blogger jo said...

the ambiguous blob: hmmm... i guess it's precisely 'coz of all these feelings i have that i've made the decision to concentrate on myself. the feelings stuff is scary!

At 11:14 AM, OpenID a0m0y7 said...

You are young right? You too could have a 50 year old, don't worry. But really don't compare your life with someone else's. I wonder how much happier we would all be (myself included) if we had blinders on.

At 2:29 PM, Blogger jo said...

a0m0y7: yes, i guess i could too have a 50 year old haha! thanks for putting that into perspective :P


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