it's either sink or swim

in the past year i've felt that there were a number of times where my mojo kinda just packed up and took a vacation. in fact on friday night, my party girl and i discussed this and were both shocked at how little new men we met last year. we concluded that there was hence a direct corelation to the amount of alcohol we injested and the men we were able to meet.

so when i lose my mojo, i seriously think that my "game" tanks. nevermind the fact that i usually have no "game" to speak of to begin with. and frankly, i had almost gotten used to not having any mojo (not that i'm happy bout it but i had just bout began to embrace it) so friday night really surprised me. it was like my mojo came rushing back. it was swim all the way like michael phelps on his way to his olympic gold medals.

i met up with my party girl for dinner and then headed to a bar where we knew that in all probability a few of the old regulars who used to hang out at cozy hole-in-the-wall bar would be there. they were. and we just hung out there chilling and chatting.

it was there that i met this 21 year old local guy of mixed ethnicity. yes, i realise that i know how to pick 'em young ones haha! honestly i don't think there was any other interest on both our parts other than friendship. we just got along really well and was chatting the whole night. heck, we chatted more than i have ever done so with any of the other guys i've known for years. before my party girl and i left, we exchanged numbers where we were supposed to catch each other again later in another bar. however that didn't happen and he called later and said that perhaps we'd hang out the next day. well he definitely seemed cool enough so why not? (except that in the week the whole weekend passed and he didn't contact me again. oh well.)

so my party girl and i head on to cozy hole-in-the-wall bar. that place is no longer the place that i knew and loved. the owner changed (though i know the new owner as well... he's the older guy whose girlfriend is a bisexual who i've kissed before), the name changed and the whole vibe of the place changed.

we sat ourselves at the only 2 places available by the bar which happened to be right in front of te dj console. cozy hole-in-the-wall bar's new owner's son has been spinning there for a while. and so technically he should have seen me around before. but for some strange reason, this was the first time when he hit on me.

he kept looking at me and smiling and touched my hand and held my face in his hand while he said that i was very beautiful. he asked for my business card and i don't like the whole giving out business card thing 'coz the last thing i want is a relative stranger to know is my full name and work place. so when i said that i didn't have one with me, he then asked how to find me via the online social utility site. (which btw he didn't)

now, this guy is a cutie. granted, he's gotten less cute as time passed, but a cutie nonetheless. but he's also an immense player. oh the stories i've heard bout him. so while i'm definitely not gonna be suckered into his game, a part of me is happy that at least a player thinks i'm beautiful (please ignore the fact that that just makes me sound like such a loser). the dude has a girlfriend who is both hot enough to be a beauty pagaent queen and yet brainy enough to be a vet. obviously his girlfriend wasn't there that night. he asked me and my party girl to a house party after and while initially we said yes, later we decided to head on to another club to meet up with another friend.

and so we made our way to the other club. we met up with our friend who then decided that she was leaving. and we ran into another guy who we knew years ago and haven't seen in years. and then this guy approached me asking me to dance.

i love to dance and he's a great dancer and so we danced a lil. but i was also a lil worried that my party girl was alone so i kinda made sure that we were always around her. i really wanted to let loose and dance but it was slightly annoying that the club was so crowded that there wasn't any room for that. the guy was pretty fun though i wasn't particularly attracted. he talked bout wanting to kiss me and i'm glad that i didn't go with that. in the end he kinda got lost in the crowd somewhere.

so i guess even though seemingly i swimmed, technically i really sank... and the one person i really wanted to swim with... well i tanked.

i have no idea what's going on with the swedish guy. in the end we did meet on sunday... but 'coz (sad to say) i texted him on saturday asking if we were still on. he hadn't heard back from his friend (that's my excuse for him) but once he did, he texted me later that night to say that we were on with our plans.

we had lunch near his place and then headed back to his place to watch an old movie. and then we headed back out again to town 'coz he needed to buy some books for his bookclub reading. honestly i'm not sure what to make outta it. granted he was pretty tired out but yet i'm not sure if it's maybe just that he's not as interested as he might have been before.

i can't help wondering if it's me. am i not interesting enough? sometimes i do feel like i don't have heaps of different interests to make me seem like a really interesting individual. am i not pretty enough? am i not whatever enough?? but then i try and convince myself that i am enough... though frankly it doesn't always work.

it's tough. tougher 'coz i had this sudden realisation that crap! the swedish guy has creeped into my heart. yes, he has joined the ranks of dj guy and drummer boy to make it to my heart.

and i hate it. 'coz it makes me vulnerable. it's especially bad when i'm having this feeling that he's not interested the way i am. i'm basically screwed... and not in a good way.

i'm fighting the incredible urge to just have a random makeout... maybe with the "booty caller" since he's the one that i think i can count on to be still interested in that. and yet i fight it 'coz a part of me is still holding out for the swedish guy. for whatever reason, i don't know.

well i'm the fool. hence i'm the one that's drowning...