thoughts over drinks

lately i've been thinking a fair bit... and nothing quite helps propel the thought process like chilling out with a drink... or perhaps 5 drinks.

last night i met up with my party girl and the yummy mommy to head to a different bar for some live music. while it was rather nice to chill out in a different place, we didn't stay long and wound up at cozy hole-in-the-wall bar instead. my party girl left rather early while the yummy mommy and i stayed on till pretty late just chatting with some of the regulars. somehow conversation with one of the regulars turned to questioning my single status. for some reason that kinda got me thinking.

i admitted to 'em that one of the main contributing factors to my single status was that i haven't found the right guy. i've met really nice guys who treat me well but somehow i don't quite have that physical attraction yet. and then the guys who i have a physical connection with aren't exactly the most suitable guys. and then there's the guys who i get along with and am attracted to but they don't give me the time of day. it's just tough.

it came to a point where i had to excuse myself for a while to sit in my lonesome and just contemplate things. kinda just sort things out in my brain. that's when it hit me bout why i wasn't ready to be more than friends with the guy based in missouri. of 'coz the long distance was an important factor... but i realised it wasn't 'coz i didn't trust him. strangely even though i didn't know him for that long, i felt that i could trust him. the problem was that i couldn't quite trust myself.

i can't safely say without a doubt that i can stop trying to 'date' or make out with other guys or that i even want to. i don't think i'm willing to give that up.

that said, the realisation then hit me that for someone, i was willing to give all that up. for him, i could stop the sometimes meaningless partying and making out with random guys. 'coz he would (and honestly probably still does) mean that much to me. and that was worth whatever i was getting in random albeit sometimes fun play. but it's just stupid of me 'coz he's not even interested.

and the only other person to really come close to making me feel somewhat the same way is my family friend's setup. where there seemed to be that one defining scary moment where i realised that i was opening my heart to let him inside. and of 'coz we all know how that seems to be turning out...

so last night, the bartender aka dj guy seemed to be in some sort of strange mood swing. on one hand he would come by and give me hugs and tickles and lean his head against mine, but then some other moments it almost seemed like he deliberately stayed away from me even though i had walked over to him. and then at the end of the night, i texted him basically just bout asking him out. i told him to let me know if he's ever free for dinner, say on a sunday. he never replied.

that made me realise that once again i just might have gotten emotionally attached. dang this emotional attachment crap.

i'm starting to think that perhaps i need to find someone new to help stop me from liking dj guy that much. there is just too much physical attraction and chemistry there that always messes with my mind... and hormones...