Tuesday, January 13, 2009

without you

i think i'm in one of my don't-feel-like-trying moods. i mean i go back and forth on that so many times like a see-saw. but somehow it also teeters on the side of not wanting to try.

sure i've been partying. but while i might have previously attempted to flirt and not beyond a random makeout, now i just seem to stay clear away of any eye contact or guys in general.

sure i've been chatting on IM with a few guys from the online dating site. and some of 'em do seem reasonably nice enough. and some of 'em has asked to meet up. and i have sorta agreed except that no firm date was set.

and yet nope i don't really feel like trying.

perhaps i'm still not truly over drummer boy. i wished i could sing the lyrics of hinder's without you and truly mean 'em.

it's safe to say that i'm ready to let you leave

without you, i live it up a little more everyday
without you, i'm seeing myself so differently
i didn't wanna believe it then
but it all worked out in the end
when i watched you walk away
well i never thought i'd say
i'm fine
without you

heck what am i saying? i know that i'm not truly over drummer boy. and recently the memories have started flooding me again. and the what ifs. and along with 'em some tears fell.

it is arguable that i might not know what love is, but i'm pretty sure that this comes up to one of the closest i've ever felt (or thought i felt) to being in love.

it didn't help when somehow in an IM conversation with my family friend's setup, the drummer boy situation was outlined briefly.

i haven't been chatting with my family friend's setup. not since early last year. and since i found out that he has a girlfriend, i've pretty much decided to avoid contact a lil. so sue me, it still stings a lil 'coz i did have pretty strong feelings for my family friend's setup.

anyhow he initiated an IM conversation recently. and somehow it got to asking bout my love life (or lack thereof as it obviously is) and somehow it led to drummer boy. talking bout it doesn't help it hurt any less.

well turnabout is fairplay and i found out that he's been seeing someone for the last few months. the funny thing is that i have this feeling that she was introduced to him by my family friend... the very guy who introduced my family friend's setup to me.

i think i'm pained till i'm almost numb.

but yet even though i'm still thinking of drummer boy and missing him and not being truly over him is playing a part, there's still something more...

i think i might be interested in the swedish guy. shocker i know. when did "just nice" turn into attraction? and even more shocking of all, when did i morph into a "monogamistic dater"?

this is me we're talking bout. i'm supposed to be more of a "serial dater" type. of 'coz when you've been single for all your lifetime, and happen to meet up with a few guys at the same time (like say 4 "dates" in a week?), then yeah, you're supposedly "serial dating". but apparently somewhere along the way i must have changed without even realising it. i don't even know if that's a good thing. i mean should i be "closing off" options? and yet why bother if i just don't feel it right?

but who knows what the swedish guy is feeling. for me or otherwise.

he admitted that while he's not ready for marriage or whatever as yet, he does think he's ready for a serious relationship (despite all that travelling that he does). and i guess yeah, i think i'm ready for a serious relationship too. only with who, i don't know...

i just want this pain to stop.

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