of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine

it wasn't a gin joint, more like a hospitality suite in an event related to my industry where i was there, as one might say, scoping out the comptetition. and she was really a he. and technically he didn't walk in, he was seated right there as i walked in.

his side was facing me which explained why i didn't see him at first. besides i was too busy making introductions around the table and sitting down for a chat. and then i turned...

i had to laugh. really i had to. and inside, i did. i hadn't seen him in over 2 years and then suddenly in the short timespan of less than a week, i saw him twice?!

he was with a lady, possibly a client. i'm not entirely sure why he was at the event to begin with since his work doesn't relate to mine at all. but that said, it's one of those events where people bring clients to schmooze with though it remains a mystery how he would have hooked up those hospitality passes as you can't exactly buy those. of 'coz they could have just come from her.

i heard him talk. at least just the sound of his voice. and i remembered exactly why i said that he wasn't that eloquent vocally. in fact it was worst than i remembered. i don't think i could have been able to listen to the sound of his voice for all posterity. i found myself imagining him saying mushy things. yeah, no thanks. i guess that kinda worked itself out.

i still find this funny. the world is entirely too small. especially in my town.

he was one of the ones with the only one date

i may not be the girl all the guys want. you know, the kind of girl who always manages to get the guys falling over at her feet in order to just be in the long line of guys waiting to be her man. the kind of girl who inspires men to write songs and poetry. the kind of girl who gets to enjoy the attention of men who will contact her constantly.

that's not me. but that said, i am the girl who, assuming i'm even interested at all, is usually able to make a good enough first impression for a second date.

except for a select few guys. and the other night i ran into one of them.

the motivator happened during the time i was struggling to reconnect with the drummer boy. only a few months after the ad-man just upped and poofed on me despite months of extensive communication and weekly meetups which left me hurt, confused and with a sour taste in my mouth. he was someone where after reading his online dating profile, i had been excited to meet. imagine my elation when he actually seemed to respond favorably. it was hard to have a proper IM chat with him but the few that we had seemed promising.

the actual first date itself didn't start too well what with him not contacting me to let me know the plans till i contacted him after 5pm. but nonetheless, the rest of the evening went well. good enough for me to assume that we would have a second date 'coz afterall i normally get second dates right?

well i was wrong this time. we never really did contact much again. sure there was the odd IM that i initiated but soon after i realised that it was too forced and so i backed off. can't say that i didn't try.

since then he's never really been in my mind. though with the beauty of the online social utility site (of which he and i are on each other's friends list), i knew when he got attached 1-2 years ago and then subsequently engaged to the same girl a few months ago.

i saw them on friday night. she was as pretty as her photos showed. we almost looked like the same "type", only not quite. i've never seen him before since the first and only date. i was with the alpha boy who pulled me into a chocolate store in which they were in. i wonder if he saw me. and even if he did, i wonder if he would remember me.

i almost always remember them. maybe that's the side effect of blogging bout your dates. there's always something there to refer back to and trigger your memory. but somehow i feel that maybe they don't remember me. especially not when they're all happy and loved-up. afterall to them, i'm just a girl they went on only one date with. whereas for me, they're the ones who only wanted one date with me.

been up, been down

in the last few days the med student and i have been chatting on IM. it's actually been a joy to talk to him. he's been providing me with some much missed intellectual stimulation. he's jaded and perhaps even a bit of a player but at the same time his honesty is refreshing.

but of 'coz a hot intelligient doctor-to-be can't possibly be single... and i was sadly right. he's been going out with his girlfriend for 2.5 years... quite the record for a player type who thought relationships could only last months... nevermind that he's already feeling a lil stressed out at how long his current relationship has been going on. and a doctor-to-be has gotta date an equally intelligient girl right? yep his girlfriend is a lawyer.

so unfortunately this med student is out of bounds for me... but all the same i enjoy talking to him.

****

which i can't say the same for this guy from the other online dating site who has been IMing me. okay so it's not like i totally hate talking to him... it's just that he comes across a lil strange to me sometimes.

he's been continuing to rave bout how he thinks i'm hot and really funny and all that. and then outta the blue he asked me if i've ever kissed a guy.

er... okay... so yes he had asked previously how many relationships i've had in the past and i've told him that i normally don't do proper relationships. it's natural for most guys (and possibly girls as well) to be curious bout that. but it's funny when he asked if i have ever a kissed a guy. i guess most people kinda just assume that just 'coz i don't normally do proper relationships doesn't mean i haven't kissed a guy.

so then after we establish what is a kiss (peck on the lips vs french. where i normally only really consider it to be a kiss if it's french.), he starts telling me bout his first kiss and asks bout mine. frankly, i can't really remember. and why would i even tell him? much less when he asked how many guys i've kissed. are you kidding me??

and then he asked me out for dinner. but i told him that i've been pretty busy lately and that it was too soon for me. i guess i'm just not sure bout meeting him...

****

but i was sure that i wanted to meet the guy who i winked at on the online dating site some time ago and who sent me an email over a month ago and who i've been chatting via IM very briefly on/off with (and who i promise you will have a shorter nickname soon haha!)... i was in fact looking forward to meeting up with him. there were the usual slight "first date" jitters... i even wore a cute new dress.

however i must say that it did annoy me that by 4.45pm today, he still hadn't contacted me bout our supposed meeting up tonight. that's something i don't get. i mean i know you're busy and all that but really, is sending a text or IM to confirm simply just too time consuming?? seriously i can't be set up just to be knocked down.

in the end i couldn't help myself. i mean this girl has a life and needs to know the plan... even if the plan is to just head home. so i texted him to ask if we were still on for dinner. honestly i don't like doing that. he was supposed to let me know and he didn't. if there was a points system going on, he just lost some brownie points.

bout 45 mins later he replied with a "definitely" and said that he would let me know the venue soon. well okay... but i couldn't help feeling in part that the initial excitement wasn't really there anymore.

after i left my office, i received a call from him and he very nicely offered to come down to where i was and then we head off together to the restaurant location for dinner where he had made reservations. i was once again impressed with his proactive-ness and my mood improved.

i actually did have a pretty good time. dinner was lovely and he was great company as well. it's relatively easy to talk to him and we even shared a few good laughs. unfortunately we only spent 2 hours together before he had to head home to finish up some work. to be honest his job is a lil confusing for me but the main essence i got from him was that he was into the whole motivational speaking thing.

i must say it was a lil strange meeting up with the motivator (i did promise you a shorter nickname didn't i?). strange 'coz it's the first time i met up with someone since the whole confusing pseudo relationship with drummer boy.

as for my thoughts on the motivator... he wasn't as eloquent vocally as i had expected but on the whole still above average. i did find him attractive though if seemingly a lil on the shorter side of taller than me (or maybe i'm just used to standing next to drummer boy who is relatively tall). i was also curious bout his interests in salsa dancing and playing the trumpet. overall he seems like a guy with possible potential. the only thing is that i'm not big on the whole motivational speaking thing and i'm wondering if there's such a thing as too motivated?

i'm not sure how things might go... i guess it really depends on how soon he asks me out again (assuming that he does) given how busy he is since it's obvious that he's really busy. but that said i did have a pretty good time...

even though initially i did find my mind subconsciously drifting to drummer boy... and after as well...

****

yes, drummer boy somehow manages to still occupy my heart and mind.

i still don't know what's up with him and "us". i texted him briefly during lunch and then later after work but that was bout it.

i should probably play it cool for the next 2 days till saturday when we're supposed to meet. (dang how do i play it cool when we're supposed to decide where and what time to meet on saturday?) if i'm feeling really brave (and i need to feel really brave... for real!), i might try to hopefully get to talking to him proper.

sigh why is it all so tough?

looking forward

maybe i shouldn't be excited... but sometimes it's hard not to be especially when you're so confused bout a pseudo relationship which has in recent weeks seem to be taking a turn where the guy doesn't seem as interested as before and you're doing all the work. sometimes i just want to relax and have fun.

the guy who i winked at on the online dating site some time ago and who sent me an email over a month ago and who i've been chatting via IM very briefly on/off with (i promise you he will have a shorter nickname soon haha!) and i have decided to meet up on wednesday for dinner. and i'm excited bout it. as he asked me some questions, i could tell that he was actually planning it. he asked me what cuisine i liked and where i lived and then said that he will look for a place to have dinner. i really like this kind of proactive-ness.

jo: thanks for planning :P
guy: look fwd to our dinner on wed!
jo: yeah i'm looking forward to it :)
guy: my utmost pleasure and privilege

and when he said...

guy: i think u are a natural strong communicator with high level of eloquence and linguistic capacity

i thought that that was a great compliment. he's certainly someone with an equally high level of "eloquence and linguistic capacity" which is something i value.

****

but apparently all that supposed natural strong communication and high levels of eloquence and linguistic skills that i supposedly possess doesn't seem to help me to communiate with drummer boy...

he and i practically had an entire sunday go by without texting each other. i nearly decided not to but then i thought i should be nice and check in if he was feeling better. i texted him at bout 5.30pm and 4 hours later he still hadn't replied. since i felt that wasn't really like him, i decided to call and turns out he didn't receive my text. we didn't chat long 'coz he was having dinner with his friend. but later he IMed me.

and 'coz i'm masochistic that way, i decided to ask him if he wanted to head to this interactive science playground next saturday. we had previously (back when things were good) talked bout going there 'coz we like it and since i had just gotten some passes which would give us a 50% discount, i decided to bring it up again.

so yeah, that's the supposed plan.

jo: we can probably decide on the details later or something...
jo: but yay! i'm looking forward to it :)
drummer boy: orh ok

yeah i'm not sure if that was an okay-we-can-decide-details-later or an okay-i-have-no-idea-how-to-respond-as-to-why-you're-so-excited kinda thing...

but i think that somehow with this one, i just gotta try. give it my best to try and see if i can make it work out somehow. but of 'coz i'm gonna need drummer boy to want to make it work out too... and given the way he's been acting in the last few weeks, i'm really not sure if he wants to even try at all...

****

which is probably why i have a slight case of "wandering eyes"... i still can't help but be curious bout the med student... all weekend i was wondering if he would contact me... and then after the whole "3-day rule", i decided to just contact him instead just for the heck of it.

i'm glad that i did. 'coz turns out that dorky me actually keyed in my number wrongly. and it wasn't 'coz i was tipsy... not really... i wasn't that tipsy and besides i've always gotten my number right before. it was purely a typo error on my part. guess i wasn't used to handling his phone.

so i don't know if he even tried to contact me (which i doubt but oh well...) but i'm glad that i "made the first move" so i'll really know in future if he doesn't ever contact me again. but for the time being, we did have a relatively nice text conversation...

****

recently this guy from the other online dating site started IMing me on/off. while he seems alright i suppose, i'm slightly unnerved that he keeps commenting on my looks and smile. it seems like he's been "stalking" my pics that i've posted on the online social utility site. and when i call him on it, he "blames" it on the fact that i'm pretty and he loves my smile.

is it weird that sometimes i get all shy when someone comments on my looks? i mean it's nice and all that guys don't usually think i'm such a troll or whatever but i've always found it sweetest when i get commented for other things like my personality or intellect.

but hey, i'll take whatever i can get...

so i lied...

i was going to do everything in my power not to suggest to drummer boy bout meeting up on friday. but my resolve started to weaken...

on thursday i joked with him bout him being so busy and then he told me that he was free on friday. then i joked if he was asking or telling and he joked back that he was telling. i honestly wanted to bop him over the head outta frustration. and that's no joke!

you would think that that would strengthen my resolve right? but noo... 'coz i'm masochistic like that, i actually IMed him later asking if he wanted to meet up.

maybe it was in part 'coz i really wanted to give it another shot. i guess i just don't know when to quit. in another part it was 'coz a guy who i winked at on the online dating site some time ago and who sent me an email over a month ago and who i've been chatting via IM very briefly on/off with finally tentatively asked me out for coffee on saturday.

i know i said that i didn't really want to "date" other guys. but i did tell myself before that if this particular guy did ask me out, i'd go 'coz i was attracted to him (as much attraction as you can get without a face to face meeting). afterall technically i've known him before this whole thing with drummer boy. i guess i'm just not really into actively going out to try and "date" other guys.

which is part of the reason why i lied to my party girl and bailed out of our friday night plans. i knew right from the start that i wasn't up for it. first of all i wasn't too keen on the other girls hanging out with us. and secondly i just didn't feel like drinking.

lately i just haven't been feeling like drinking. partly 'coz my finances have been pretty tight. and partly 'coz i don't want to get into another one of those too tipsy makeout sessions. i just don't feel like meeting some random guy in a bar/club and the whole making out thing or exchanging of phone numbers when half the time he doesn't call or even if he does, it doesn't really get much further than 2 dates. somehow all that has lost it's appeal. call me an old fart or maybe i'm maturing or whatever but i'm really increasingly starting to feel like i want to "settle down". i want to learn how to be in an actual relationship. i blame this pseudo relationship with drummer boy... it made me realise how nice something non random could possibly be.

but of 'coz it's also a whole lotta heartache when you realise that things seem to be going south...

****

anyhow in the end drummer boy came down with the sniffles and he called off the meeting up. he assured me that he wasn't lying and asked me not to be mad.

i wasn't mad. i was disappointed. partly 'coz i missed him and i was looking forward to seeing him. and partly 'coz i had been thinking of actually talking it out with him (even though i have no idea how but i need him to actually respond!) and this just means that i still have to carry around with me the burden of being confused bout the whole situation (though maybe even if i did meet him, i might still be confused). and partly 'coz i'm not sure if he will actually even try and reschedule. it took a lot outta me to ask him for friday night... and it's sad if he doesn't at least try and ask me out again like he used to...

****

i really wanted to just head home and mope or something. but at the advice of my best friend, i decided to head out with my party girl, the yummy mommy and some other friends of friends for a spot of friday night partying.

that turned out to be pretty crazy. at one point my party girl's friend's (i've met her once before) guy friend asked if i was lesbian. seriously i have no idea where people get this from. is it 'coz i check out girls? heck i check out guys too! or maybe is it 'coz i'm more comfy having a girl invade my personal space rather than a guy? or perhaps is it 'coz all the girls that night (and my girls are all total hotties) somehow wound up in dresses while i was the only one rocking in jeans? anyhow he's quite the player though and decided that he should kiss (just a peck!) me in order to find out. well he also kissed the yummy mommy so whatever.

by the end of the night, the yummy mommy and i were dancing with 2 young random boys. at first it started out with me dancing with the taller guy, since i'm taller and all. and then i have no idea how it happened but shortly after we switched partners.

the other guy might be shorter (he's still taller than me though) but i immediately found him very attractive. he turned out to be a 24 year old medical student who also liked to do triathlons. and i'm such a sucker for athletic guys. this boy could also really dance. i mean you don't normally see guys dancing all that well but this one definitely had the moves. and as i ran my hands down his arms, chest, abs and back, i could tell (or feel? haha!) that he had just the kind of lean muscled body that i like. cute, smart and a nice body? dang!

we exchanged numbers but i'm not sure what's gonna happen, if anything at all. i'm definitely curious bout this one...

****

the guy who asked me out for coffee on saturday couldn't make it in the end 'coz of some work and social commitments. he asked me for lunch instead but there was no way i was up to dragging myself outta bed that early after the night of partying i had. it was amazing in itself that i saw his text at 9.30am on a saturday morning. in the end we settled for a weekday dinner though the day isn't fixed yet.

****

i must admit though that i'm sad that i didn't hear from drummer boy at all the whole of last night as well as this morning. i caved in and texted him after lunch to find out if he was feeling better and all that and he finally replied that he was feeling worst. i called him and the poor boy sounds sick... or maybe 'coz he was kinda sleeping... now i just feel bad. well he did refuse my initial volunteering to nurse him back to health...

i can't help it. despite everything that has happened or not happened or whatever, i really do still care a lot bout him and he still means a lot to me.

distract, delude & date

so i thought that maybe it'd be easier if i had been "serial dating" before i found out that the ad-man is now attached. but on hindsight maybe feeling the pain and then "serial dating" immediately after isn't too bad an idea either.

i feel considerably less in pain now. and i'm not sure if it's 'coz i'm distracting myself by "serial dating". or maybe it's 'coz i've moved on to more than just being sad at being rejected by someone i really liked, but being sad that i've lost someone that i could talk and open up to. i mean i'm a big girl, if he's not interested, that's fine, i can handle it. but losing a friend is proving to be harder than i thought.

that said, i'm surprised that i'm purged outta this faster than i expected. oh i'm sure the feelings will come back to haunt me from time to time, just like it always has with guys who made it to my heart. and everytime i try and make a new connection with a new guy, it will be a reminder to me as to how there was just an instant rapport with the ad-man. and everytime i have a superficial conversation with a new guy, i will miss the kind of conversations that i used to have with the ad-man. and everytime i wonder if i will ever find someone who understands me and accepts me for all the not-quite-open-book that i am, i will think of what the ad-man told me... that people would know me not 'coz of what i tell 'em but 'coz they understand me.

but even as i would be reminded of all the great things bout the ad-man, i will also remember the way he chose to approach this situation. i will remember that his new girlfriend isn't all that hot afterall and that i don't believe i'm any less awesome than she might be. and i will remember what the guy based in missouri said...

guy based in missouri: as for *insert name of the ad-man*, if a guy doesn't have the guts to tell you that he isn't interested anymore, it shows a lack of character
guy based in missouri: which i think you are going to be quite happy without

****

in my first foray back into "serial dating", i started with someone who normally wouldn't be my type...

on his online dating site profile he had stated "single", but in his email to me he 'fessed up that he was divorced. i admit that i had to stop and think for a bit. on one hand i was initially interested enough to have winked at him and he in return sent me an email telling me the truth. was i going to veto him immediately 'coz of his failed marriage? i decided to just give it a try and after a few emails we decided to meet for lunch on friday.

lunch was short but the divorcee proved to be cute (though on the short side), eloquent and seemingly nice enough. it's hard to tell in an hour. we didn't immediately have a whole lotta things to say but found some common ground when we realised that we went to the same school (he is 2 years my senior) and hence knew a few mutual friends. most shocking of all is that i realised that i knew his ex-wife. in fact at one point she and i actually did get along quite well. she was a year older and as a teenager, i looked up to her 'coz she was beautiful, smart and could get any guy she wanted.

i wanted to ask what happened and so at the first opening i got, i tentatively approached the subject. he didn't seem too open yet so i didn't push it. all he said was that they drifted apart. i have a feeling that he's still in the process of getting over the 4 year marriage. afterall he actually called her his "wife" when (hopefully) by now she's supposed to be his ex-wife.

i'm not holding my breath for this one. maybe he himself might not be ready. and maybe despite all my evolving, i may not be ready for a divorcee either. but that said, if he asks, i will definitely meet up with him again.

****

this guy emailed me some time ago and i didn't respond for a month. i admit that i had been contemplating. i wasn't really attracted to him, that was probably what held me back that long. and yet i couldn't deny that i had to give him props for originality in his email. he seemed fun and i was in the confused state with the ad-man so in the end i decided to reply to his email. he graciously accepted my apology for not responding earlier and we exchanged a few emails and brief IM conversations before he asked me out for dinner on saturday.

the indian lawyer was more attractive than i expected and we did have a pretty good time talking and laughing. we even wound up clubbing which i suppose is quite strange for a first date. it certainly felt strange that he should see me in my "party persona" so soon. anyhow it was all pretty fun though i think i might be getting the just friends vibe. afterall he didn't think to send me home in a taxi when it was 4am nevermind me not living on the same side of town as he does. anyhow if he asks me out again, i'd definitely go out with him.

****

while i was out with the indian lawyer, i received a text from a guy at bout 3am. he's a guy that i got to know from the online dating site who i've been IMing pretty regularly. i don't really know that much bout him (other than besides a day job, he's also a drummer in a band), our IM conversations have always been a lil flirty. but recently we've been texting each other. and so at 4am in the morning we were texting each other. it's not a booty call, it was 'coz he was aware of my nocturnal behavior. he called me at 5am and we chatted for an hour. the conversation was better than i expected.

drummer boy and i have been talking bout meeting up but so far nothing has been definite. he doesn't seem like he can plan too much and i'm not sure bout him. but so far, i'm okay with the way things are. with us IMing or texting throughout the day.

****

and in line with trying to keep myself busy with new boys, i have another date lined up on tuesday and this new guy who i find interesting emailed me. sometimes i think it's tiring... trying to make new connections with new guys. and it's especially tiring when there i thought that i had made a great connection with the ad-man and allowed myself to be deluded for an instance that maybe that was all the connection i really needed to make. i guess i don't have a choice but to keep trying to "serial date" or whatever and hope that eventually something works out somehow.