this is where we've been and look where we're going

it's amazing how time flies. this blog has been home to my thoughts on dating and relationships for the last 4 over years. and it's grown to become a special and important part of my life which i hide from everyone else in my "real" life.

recently i've been reading through my past entries, looking back on where i've been, how far i've come and it's been an interesting walk down memory lane. some random guys i could hardly remember, others who i wondered what on earth came over me to be so smitten with them, and a few that back then took a shine to me.

but i suppose for the most part, there's no real loss. the guys themselves have moved on. most vanished completely from my life, a select few who i still "keep in touch" with (or at least i still could if either of us wanted to) as technically they are still on my IM or online social utility site friend list, and some others who i make a point to know what's going on in their lives even if they don't always know it (yes, i "stalk" haha!).

it was in mid-walk of this memory lane that i decided to try and hunt down past people that i "dated" randomly, basically the boys that i've mentioned here in the last 4 years. some of them i already pretty much knew where they were at now but others weren't on my friends list (and even after hunting them down, i still wasn't intending to add them) and i thought it would be interesting to try and see if i could even find any information on them.

and here are the results of my find:

dj guy - i may not have seen or talked to him in at least over a year and even back then he was already engaged. but from my own nosy sleuthing i know that he's since broken up with his fiancee and has a new girlfriend.

london guy friend - he's on my friends list which have led me to find out that his (i think) german girlfriend gave birth to their son in february. they got married a month later. seems like the wedding must have been quite a surprise to even his friends.

texas curly - based on our last email "communication" in january, he told me that he got married in april 2008. he's also since started a tailor shop making custom made suits. a lil research (it's not really considered snooping if he gave me his company name to begin with haha!) showed that he came in second place in a new entrepreneur of the year award and made me even more impressed. i also found him on the online social utility site and couldn't see much other than his profile pic of a fun picture with him and his gorgeous wife. did i mention that she's gorgeous? i thought for a very long time (and trust me, i really did) and in the end decided to add him to my friends list... and hope he never really wonders how on earth i found him online...

marvy's setup - i found him on the online social utility site and couldn't see much other than his profile pic. he's looking good though (to be fair, he always looked better in pictures than in real life) and also looks like he's happily attached / married. i'm not sure if she's the "love of his life" from china that he met right after he got set up with me.

(now ex) key account executive - i keep in touch with him on IM every now and then when he signs in. bout a couple of years ago he had a kid but is still continuing to battle marital woes.

the aussie podiatrist - i couldn't find him on the online social utility site and for some reason, i was determined enough to dig up something that i googled him. i didn't realise that he's been responsible for giving the expert's opinion on certain podiatry related press releases. i found out that his (now not so) new workplace is actually rather close to mine. there was also a picture of him. he's not looking as good as before... i think he's balding.

family friend's setup - i'm still in contact with the friend who set us up and very occasionally i drop an IM to say hey to my family friend's setup (in fact just after writing bout him, i dropped him another IM). but from our friend, i found out that he has a slightly on/off girlfriend. our friend doesn't even know what's going on. sometimes it's good, then it's off, then it's on again. apparently she's a great girl though.

the french banterer - i found him on the online social utility site and was surprised that we have 2 mutual friends (though i only really consider one of those girls my friends. i'm pretty sure he knows her through work.) i browsed through a few of his photos. somehow he looks different or maybe i just can't recognise him anymore. i'm unsure bout his relationship status though.

poet guy - i found him on the online social utility site and was surprised that we have a mutual friend... incidentally it was my uni classmate that i "dated" who since got married to our uni classmate. i couldn't see much other than his profile pic but he looks like he's happily attached / married.

chatty triathlete - i found him on the online social utility site, and as expected, we have a mutual friend in the form of my friend's (who was formerly based in dubai who subsequently became my colleague) husband. and as i heard, i saw evidence in photos that he got married in dec 2009, a year after he got together with her. he doesn't look too bad but i'm still definitely way cuter than her.

the serious one - not that he's important but i've been running into him recently near wherer i work in town. in any case, he's on my friend's list and it was there that i learnt that he's engaged. i think she works near my workplace.

drummer boy - the only one who i'm actually quite in touch with over IM. and well i already mentioned that he's thinking of getting married in 3-5 years time.

the swedish guy - the last time i saw him was in december 2009. that said, i do think bout him every now and then. he's on my friends list and ever so often i'd see a status update stating that he was off to another one of his short holidays. i still think that's the main reason why we didn't get more serious. he claimed that he was ready for a girlfriend, but his lifestyle showed otherwise.

i guess the main theme is that almost everyone that i "dated" in the last 4 years is now coupled up be it married, engaged or just attached. it's good to know that i didn't remain completely single either.

this has definitely been one very interesting nostalgic walk.

what you waiting for?

sometimes men just really annoy me...

a month ago the french banterer booked me for tonight to go for a concert by a rather famous singer. till now i haven't heard from him on what's the plan.

in fact he's been rather quiet in general. not that it matters too much to me 'coz frankly i kinda find it hard to communicate with him at times. but as the today's date drew nearer i decided to give him a buzz. afterall it's a concert... it's not like those things aren't planned. in fact i went as far as to actually IM him asking him what the plan was for tonight. so far i haven't gotten any response. it's just weird. and plain annoying.

i'm okay with not going tonight. i mean i would have loved to go. but while it's a rather famous singer that i actually don't mind, i don't absolutely have to go either. i just hate not knowing my plans either way.

so i've decided that if he doesn't contact me sometime this afternoon to confirm plans, i'm not gonna ask and i'm just not gonna turn up.

[edit]

he didn't contact. and i didn't contact him either. i just let the day and the event and everything he said pass.

brightside is that this is a good time to 'get rid of him'.

afterall he annoys me at times, he's flaky and sometimes talking to him is like having constipation.

my best friend and i were just talking bout how i do seem to meet the shitty men. go me!

a game of juggling

i have a feeling i'll be hiding my profile on the online dating site again soon... it's starting to get hard to manage and juggle again...

i've talked to a few new guys via IM, some seem nice enough, some i'm not sure bout and others i've blocked... and one where strangely enough we were at the exact same place having dinner last night. that was too weird.

this weekend was kinda strange in general i suppose...

on friday i met up with my party girl at the cozy hole-in-the-wall bar. we got the bartender aka dj guy to help order in some dinner for us and we settled down with our glasses of water. yes, you heard me. water. we didn't even start drinking till hours later. and we had one drink. and then i headed home really early. this is how my life is turning out. even on a supposed drinking friday night, i have one drink and call it an early night. well on the upside it was really good to talk to dj guy. i haven't had a chance to talk to him properly in ages. but this time we really had quite a good chat. and we were being all playful as usual. i still feel like something could go on but i know it will never happen. and i'm okay with it. i found out that he's into motorsports and drifting and i'm definitely going to sit in his car one day while he drifts. that should be fun.

i didn't go swimming on saturday. the rain put a damper on that. but my family friend's setup and i kinda made informal plans to swim next weekend. anyhow later on saturday night we met up for a group gathering at my family friend's house. it was pretty fun. the last time we were with the group we had just gotten introduced to each other. this time obviously it was different. 'coz i now know him better than anyone else (well except for my family friend). it was kinda interesting to see what it might be like if anything more happened between us and we hung out with the group. he was quite sweet though, sent me home, helped me to carry a pot (it was a potluck dinner) and walked me to my doorstep. and then texted me yesterday. hmm... maybe he's trying to step up some efforts?

but then again i'm confused in general...

things with the french banterer seemed to have suddenly take on a different spin. i might be forced to make a decision sooner than i expected or even wanted. i met up with him yesterday. given the tension from a few days ago i wasn't sure what to expect. but it just proved that we're just so much better face to face. later at night he IMed me. he said something like he wanted to know when he could officially date me. of 'coz he didn't say exactly that. instead he pretended that he had a friend who wanted some advice. kinda juvenile i know. but i went along with it.

but what is officially date? does that mean we're a couple? or is it just meeting up with the knowledge of mutual interest? i don't know...

i hate DTRs. my commitment phobic side doesn't like me to define the relationship. so i just told him not to think too much and just go with the flow. or rather i told him to tell his friend that. i'm not sure what's gonna happen.

i think i'm just not sure... and i can't help but feel that i still wanna keep my options open... or that perhaps at this point, the person who i feel the most for happens to be my family friend's setup.

misunderstandings and mixed signs

last night i was online with the french banterer briefly. per usual he got into his joking around of the usual variety. somehow i mustn't have been in the best of moods to entertain him. so i kinda told him off a bit that i was a lil tired of him trying to test me half the time.

i think that he must have gotten angry or something 'coz he went rather quiet. and then later he explained that he was just teasing me and not testing me. and that there was a difference. i don't know. maybe french for teasing is everyone else's testing.

anyhow i'm gonna just lay low for a while. i reckon i'm still supposed to meet him on sunday. somehow i think it's better when we meet up face to face as opposed to IMing.

the joke of it all is that he realised that i came back on the online dating site. so instead of getting any new winks or messages, what i got instead was an email from him via the online dating site that he 'saw my announce'. (*note there was no announcement of any kind but i think he just meant that he saw me back on the site)

****

i was IMing with shy (now ex) colleague who like any good friend of mine, is aware of the kind of going ons with my family friend's setup. i told him that my family friend's setup asked if i could teach him this weekend how to swim more effectively. not that i have good authority on that. but just that i swim more than he does. i didn't take it to mean all that much though shy (now ex) colleague pointed out that my family friend's setup was trying to put in some effort and that him asking for 'lessons' was a smart way to continue to see me more by asking for more 'lessons'.

i'm not sure if i believe him. then again, he is a guy...

i guess i still can't tell if the meeting ups with my family friend's setup are with purely platonic intentions or bordering on the maybe future not quite platonic kind.

in some kind of mood

i hate rainy days. rainy days does nothing for my mood.

and after getting caught in a heavy downpour, i was certainly not in the mood for certain things.

in case anyone was wondering, the original guy whose profile i saw and liked so much that i joined the online dating site, hasn't replied to my email. okay maybe he's really busy. too busy to reply to my 3-line email with 3 lines of his own. yes, i'm supposed to know that it's his loss and all...

then there were the emails and text messages from the french banterer. we were supposed to meet up this sunday but his flatmate just asked him to go on a short beach vacation nearby and he asked me what i thought. to be honest it's his decision and i told him just that.

the french banterer: the question is more: 'should i cancel *insert name of beach vacation place* for a girl who doesn't really want to see me...?' :)

that annoyed me a lil. sometimes his joking around of this variety irritaes me. of 'coz if he were to forego the trip and meet up with me, i would happily meet up with him. but i can't very well tell him that he can or can't go right? i'm in no position to do that. and the decision really lies with him. i don't want him to 'blame' me for missing out on a trip.

after a while he finally made his decision...

the french banterer: ok i stay then. was more in the mood to see you than going to see the sun. and who knows, you might be my 'sunday' sun haha!

well i guess we're meeting up afterall... though it's words like that (sweet as they might be) that sometimes stresses me out 'coz i really don't know where things are going with him and how i even feel bout him.

sometimes i just feel like running for the hills...

a dating 'process'

it has been a busy weekend...

on saturday i met up with shy (now ex) colleague. a few weeks ago he had just gotten back from a 2-week holiday in europe and i was eager to see his pictures and catch up with him. we had a really great time. despite our 6-year difference, we get along amazingly well. i think that if there wasn't such a large age difference and that we liked each other romantically, i would have definitely considered him.

yesterday i met up with poet guy. he came to meet me with 3 stalks of purple roses. it was quite a surprise. and admittedly a lil overwhelming. we've talked online quite a lot but somehow face to face we didn't quite hit it off. maybe 'coz i felt zero attraction for him and there just wasn't any chemistry. he wasn't eloquent (and that is rather important to me) and he wasn't attractive either. whenever he touched my arm lightly i would have this urge to jump a distance away. we watched a movie (which thankfully spared us 2 hours of having to make smalltalk) and had dinner. by 9pm i decided to use the excuse that i was under the weather the day before (well it's the truth) and said i wanted to head on home to rest early. i kinda feel bad... he seems like a nice guy... a lil overwhelming but a nice enough guy i guess... but i think we should just be online friends.

in other news the french banterer has booked me for 14 aug and invited me to a concert by a rather famous singer. i have a feeling it's sorta like my birthday treat from him.

the random guy from my friend's wedding has continued to text me everday. that would make it over a week since we first got to know each other. he asked me out to party on saturday night but i just wasn't feeling up to it. and he texted me later in the early morning to find out if i was hanging out somewhere else.

as for my family friend's setup, i kinda like him... but i think that if i'm gonna continue to do so, he really needs to step up his game and start impressing. i mean we go dutch. and if he drives me to work, i'll have to buy him lunch. i'm not materialistic but i don't view that as coming from a guy who is interested in a girl. which then leads me to think that perhaps he's just not interested. and that means i really need to reel back any feelings i have and move on. it's best for me.

bad dates, guys you're giving a chance even if you're not sure if there's a future, guys you're not even sure if you should give a chance to, guys you like but aren't sure if they like you back...

gosh dating can really be hard...

****

my not-so-platonic ex-friend came back online. and it really made me smile. it was so good to know that he came back to talk to me bout his bad day. i'm not sure if this means he'll be back again but it was nice to have him back even only for a while...

life has a funny way

sometimes life is funny... and i suddenly find myself on the receiving end of more male attention than i have had in years. and by that i mean the seemingly sincere kind...

the french banterer has been regularly contacting me with emails, texts and IMs, wanting to help me get movie tickets and even talked bout making future plans... for september...

poet guy, the one i met via online dating who said that he likes me, has also been IMing and texting me a fair bit. he has set up a email account to share some music files with me. bought me a gift during his recent business trip. volunteered to pick me up from work when i just happened to mention that i had a leg cramp even though his office is half a world away. he also expressed interest in wanting to celebrate my birthday next month. all this and we haven't even met yet! but besides some moments where i feel is a lil overwhelming, i'm actually starting to feel pretty comfy with him.

there's also some other guys that i've been talking to pretty regularly and getting along well with.

and then there's the random guy from my friend's wedding... since we met (and yes, made out), he's been texting me every day. he hasn't exactly asked me out constantly but is definitely checking in with me on a pretty regular basis and tells me that he finds me intriguing. it must be 'coz even though i do reply to his texts and ask some polite questions, i'm not particularly engaging. he's asked if he could call me tonight and i agreed. i reckon that should be okay right? i'm still not sure what to do bout this situation with him so i'm not gonna think bout it too much.

and after last night i've decided not to think too much bout my family friend's setup either.

we went to have dinner and watch a movie. i had an excellent time as usual. we can really get along and conversation just flows naturally. but in case anyone (including myself) gets too excited... it wasn't exactly a date. i mean we went dutch and that's usually a surefire sign that it's not a date right? and even though i'm pretty certain he likes my company, i'm not sure if he likes likes me. and 'coz i think i could actually like him, it is in my own self preservation interest that i really should close off my heart.

on some sort of a roll...

it was a pretty crazy weekend...

saturday was a friend's wedding of which my party girl and i were part of the bridal party. the solemnisation itself was held in a bar and it was pretty fun. even before dinner started, we were already knocking back the drinks. and then after dinner it was even more drinks. and of 'coz since the groom was previously a bar manager a lot of the people he invited were from the clubbing scene who we knew.

i met a few guys who i never met before. and somehow in the drinking madness this guy and i wound up kissing quite a lot during the course of the night. he wasn't too bad a kisser though i can't say that i'm particularly attracted to him. i guess it kinda just happened. he's since texted me and asked me out for dinner tonight though i couldn't make it. a part of me isn't even sure if i want to. i feel bad 'coz while he seems nice, i don't think i'm interested. i mean i can't even quite remember his name and we never even talked bout anything like our jobs. and i guess at this point i'm not even sure if i have the time to introduce new guys into my life 'coz it just doesn't seem fair when i don't have the time to meet up. but at the same time i feel terrible to seem to be acting like such a 'guy'. to make out with someone and then have no real intention to get to know the person further. and goodness knows i've been on that side of the fence too many times before.

finally the french guy and i met up on sunday. it wound up to be a pretty good time. we bantered a lot which is why he's now nicknamed the french banterer. it turned out to be surprisingly easy to understand him 'coz initially i thought i would have some trouble understanding his french accented english. i'm glad we met up 'coz i feel so much better bout him now that we've met up. he seems like a nice guy and not quite the drama-king that he had seemed to be. i think maybe he's just french... whatever that means haha! in fact he's asked to meet me again and we've set a date for the following weekend. though he's been trying to get me to squeeze in some time to meet him this week. unfortunately i'm totally booked. we'll see how all this goes... but gosh it does seem that lately i'm on some sort of a dating roll here...

'dating' round a busy schedule

how does a busy girl 'date'?

well, she practically doesn't.

so i'm beginning to think that this french guy that i met through the online dating site might be a lil too sensitive and sorta strange...

he texted me and sorta did a roundabout way of asking when we could meet up without actually really asking. he mentioned that he already had a lot of dates during the weekend thanks to the online dating site. i'm not sure if he was serious 'coz he then asked which weekend i wanted.

i gave him the next available weekend i had which was 8th july.

french guy: ok. let's forget then.

okay, understand this... i'm an immensely busy girl... and to prove it (even at the risk of being ridiculous), i will give a run down of my activities in the coming weeks...

15th june (fri): planned 2 weeks advance to meet my guy friend who i haven't seen in ages
16th june (sat): planned to meet up with my party girl for dinner
17th june (sun): planned to meet another guy friend to go to the museum

18th - 21st june (mon-thur): school twice a week. planned to meet a friend i haven't seen in over a year. busy with an event at work.
22nd june (fri): church group gathering
23rd june (sat): helping a friend choose her wedding gown. and then at night going for another friend's hen's night party
24th june (sun): personal appointments

25th - 27th june (mon-wed): school twice a week.
28th june - 01 july (thur-sun): overseas on company trip

02nd - 06th july (mon-fri): catching up on work. school twice a week.
07th july (sat): part of the bridal party at my friend's wedding

08th july (sun): next available weekend

i mean there was a reason why i suggested 8th july. i wasn't trying to be coy or difficult.

but apparently he couldn't seem to understand, despite me outlining my schedule.

french guy: i know what i told you but i finally came back to *insert name of online dating site*. maybe i will find someone who will really want to know me this time. bye bye.

well he did say hi to me later on IM and we had a chat. if he still wants to say goodbye, i can't and won't stop him. afterall it's not like i haven't already had to deal with a recent goodbye. and besides after this incidence, i'm really rethinking if he's suitable. he seems too sensitive. and we're not even together or anything and already he's assuming that i would be unhappy and wouldn't allow him to go drinking with his friends. goodness, i don't care at all. i understand the whole drinking to deal with some issues thing. so i mean go ahead and have fun with your friends.

he made some remark bout seeing me on 8th july... and then later he got sidetracked bout something and i'm not sure if it's confirmed. maybe i'll check in with him the next time we chat... if it's still a go, i'll meet him. but i'm still not sure if i'm liking this feeling i have that i have to walk on eggshells with him...

he texted me later while on the way out to drink with his friends...

french guy: thank you jo. sorry for what i told you. i can be complicated sometimes. you know what? you start to be special to me. good night.

and now he's making me feel worried that i might wind up hurting him without really meaning to just 'coz he's so sensitive...

choices?

yesterday i met up with my london guy friend. it was really nice to see him again, nevermind that since the last time he was here in october, we haven't really been in contact at all.

he gives the best hugs. tight and long with rubs on the back. and this time our hugs were closer. it was as though we really missed seeing each other.

the conversation wasn't all that great. per usual i suppose. he's a rather quiet kinda guy. but i suppose overall the meeting up went well.

it's amazing what great hugs can do.

****

i don't think i mentioned it but recently i hid my profile on the online dating site.

it was a rather impulsive thing though i had been thinking of getting out of it for a while now (like the second day i joined haha!). it was just getting to be kinda overwhelming and a bit pointless when i didn't have time to concentrate on getting to know people i had already met from there.

one of the people i met recently was this french guy. well we didn't meet in person, just chatted via IM. initially he seemed almost slightly annoying. maybe it was the language barrier though his english doesn't seem too bad. or maybe it was the time of night and we were both tired out. but as we started talking more, he didn't seem too bad.

recently i've been getting more evident signs that he's kinda interested. he told me that he wanted to get to know me better and that he stopped his subscription to the online dating site.

french guy: when you think you have found a (the?) good person. you have to make her understand that you're not a guy interested in any kind of girls...

i found that part of him interesting. i'm not sure how true it is but he does seem sincere enough. and i guess it's rare to find someone who even in the initial stages of getting to know someone, prefers to concentrate on one person at a time instead of 'multiple dating'.

that said, he knows that i'm talking to other guys from the online dating site. though admittedly no one that i'm really interested in... the one i'm most interested in has been missing in action for the last 2 weeks.

i guess i'll just have to see if and where all this leads...